tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13302843667842583972023-11-15T19:28:01.006-08:00gravity worksgravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-54429029386711435782018-04-20T12:57:00.000-07:002018-06-01T14:29:23.801-07:00Maisy Last Wednesday morning, a woman walked into my pilates class at 6 am. I recognize her and casually say hi. As the class progresses, I notice the logo on her sweatshirt. Accenture. I calmly take a breath and ask "Do you work for that company?" She says yes. I tell her my ex husband works for that company, and then I say " he would be shocked and amazed to hear the dog is still alive."<br />
36 hours later, Im at the urgent vet care center with that decision that all pet owners fear and dread.<br />
Massive bleeding in her belly from unidentified mass, probably cancer. She is in pain. Surgery and follow up Im told could cost me $10,000.00 which I HAVE, BUT she will probably be in even worse pain post op, and then with treatments and Dr visit's which she HATES...Im left with a Sophies choice decision. Put her down to save her pain, or keep her alive to save me pain. I took the first road for her as the medication put her into a coma and then stopped her heart.<br />
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Im a long term pet owner. I have had animals since I was 6. My first cat Tigger, lived to be 14, my next Malcolm, 21. Ive had to take care of my Dads dog while he was sick, and after he died for about 7 months. I left Cody on a ranch in Arizona, where she became the alpha dog til she passed in 1999.<br />
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This is a far greater hole in my heart, I know that. This dog was my soulmate.<br />
I used to joke and tell people that this dog held my happiness for me, so I COULD BE A BITCH and get stuff done. I definitely feel like all my happiness is gone.<br />
<br />
My ex husband and I got this dog to save our marriage. Bad idea. She ended up being the last straw in the camels back. And my horrifying husband at the time would threaten me with "you know when you leave, you aren't taking the dog" even though she only listened to me and followed me around the house.<br />
<br />
One horrible Saturday 13 years ago, I took my step kids to see my cousins, and then on the way home dropped the kids off at the grandparents house.<br />
I came home to find a very quiet house. Normally, Maisy would come bounding down the stairs, but no. I call her. Nothing. I go upstairs and find her in her crate, but she won't come out. I pull out her dog bed and see a small hole in her right sight. She has been shot.<br />
I call emergency vet in New jersey and go racing up the turnpike at 12 45 am. I carry her into the vet screaming "she's been shot, please help me!" (my husband was in Sterling, Va, where he worked)<br />
They stabilize her but dont have the equipment for the surgery to save her, so they send me back down the turnpike to Philly.<br />
The waiting room of that facility was surreal. One family with a very thick South Jersy accent was complaining about their dog had gone and eaten the rat poison AGAIN, because the morons put it down in the same place twice...WOW. <br />
The vet bill totaled $6,000.00. Gary refused to pay it at first. That was right before I left.<br />
Last night the waiting room in Rohnert park was just the opposite. Calm owners talking to each other, a lovely pit bull who kept slobbering on me cuz he could feel my distress.<br />
But that was all before I knew. Before the choice and final awful decision and then procedure.<br />
Unlike the 13 years previous, she was still walking when they brought her into that low lit room.<br />
She obviously still wanted to head home, and for the first time, I had to say"we are not going home, we need to stay here for a bit." They left me with her for a few minutes. she had her little IV in her front paw. I made her lay down and did a wide second on the floor and just covered my body onto hers, telling her how grateful I was. How sorry I was. How much she helped me live better. That she was the best dog in the world and I was trying to make the pain go away.<br />
Then the Dr came in and explained how it would go. It was only painful for me, as she was asleep first and snoring.<br />
Sometimes at night, I couldn't sleep, and would listen to her snore, and it gave me so much peace.<br />
Then the snoring stopped. And she was quiet. They left me alone with her a few more moments as I heaved and wailed over her round body that still felt alive to me.<br />
When they came back to take her away I was fine until they moved her, and I saw how limp she was, and I fled.<br />
In the car, I waited a few moments before driving home. I got home. I emailed my mother. I tried to watch TV but gave up. Went to bad. No clicking feet following me into my room. I wake up in the middle of the night. No snoring. I woke up this morning and no dog face in mine, telling me to get up.<br />
How do you go on after this? I had to leave my step children, but I knew they were safe. I wish I knew Maisy was safe. I have to believe she is a free spirit now. But she hates to be away from me more than any codependent dog I know.<br />
Ending this post with grace is above my pay grade today. #hollow<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-64992154976287803932016-07-04T04:44:00.000-07:002016-07-04T04:44:26.589-07:00Happy Birthday AmericaIn 2003, I was visiting my future husbands family at a community lake. We were in south Jersey, where he was from, and the the topic of 9/11 came up.<br />
It may have been the first time I talked to some one who's opinion was different from mine, or it may have been the fact that my future sister in law was telling me how she and her husband laughed because the news reports were so stupid in the early accounts of what was happening. She laughed as 2000 plus people died. I felt so angered that any one could laugh (and suddenly horrified at where I was heading!)<br />
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I was in Manhattan on 9/11. I was supposed to work that day. I tried to walk downtown as everyone was walking up Eigth avenue. It was the most scary and awe inspiring day of my life. I saw amazing acts of courage, and humility that day and following week. New Yorkers came together.<br />
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And Ive just read the last piece of evidence that completely solidifies my belief that our Government planned and perpetrated the whole thing.<br />
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My last 12 years have been about gravity and its properties. My life has also been about living in absolute truth and trying to only bring love and joy to those I meet.<br />
I have had to let go of some very important people in my life because of the negative and selfish energy that I no longer tolerate in any form. <br />
When I first heard the theory, I too could not believe we were capable of killing our own to get something. I knew we killed hundreds of thousands of "others" around the world (with very little evidence left behind) but because Im a bit of a bigot..working on it PEEPS... I didn't see who we really are.<br />
I knew about the supporting of the Nazis and the involvement in all conflict starting over in Asia in the past century, but I could not believe this one.<br />
And then I saw a documentary...and it had slowed down the images and you can see the charges going off. I have a picture that a friend of mine took from the Brooklyn Bridge that he did not publicly sell (I believe) and you can see in this photo as well....things projecting out as the building goes down...but nothing moves in two directions unless there are two different forces simultaneously at work..<br />
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The amount of innocence lost and injustice that continues to prevail as we massacar in the name of Global peace is disgusting. The estimates of drone deaths to date (as of Feb 2015) are 2500 but we have to assume these numbers to be low so as not to freak us out.<br />
Lest we forget the American teenage son of a suspected terrorist who was killed with 5 of his friends as they sat eating an an outdoor cafe. This kid was born and raised an american ....had gone to look for his Dad, but had not found him ...two weeks after WE found and killed his father, we did the same to him.<br />
Its called a kill list. And our government is still perfecting the METHODS with which we put someone on the list and how fast before we act on taking them out. Based on computer data and scientific efforts, we are also saying globally that our war (?) on Terrorism will last at least into the next decade. <br />
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Who the hell do we think we are? Im sure in the beginning of the Industrial Revolution when we realized we were going to be the new super power of the world, we thought about the good we could do, and lives we could now save with all out resource and riches. But it got twisted some where.<br />
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Capitalism. As soon as someone realized you could sell crap, and then make money off those that bought the crap, a new age in feeding off each other and competition have ruined the idea of community, both where I live now, and where I grew up.<br />
As we head into yet another circus of election, I can only stand and gawk at what is now accepted as truth, and/or rhetoric that is supposedly "democratic".<br />
Democratic to me means that WE the people elect into office those whom reflect OUR views.<br />
What Ive seen happening in this country makes me furious and disgusted at the same time, because I believe we once truly did STAND for something.<br />
We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal.<br />
What the fuck has happened to that?<br />
So yeah US...Happy Birthday America.gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-66165865412902189582016-03-02T18:35:00.000-08:002016-03-02T18:40:33.965-08:00my sisterMy sister died on August 29th... on her death certificate it reads September 1st, 2015.<br />
For the record, my world shifted the moment she died. 10 pm EST time 7 pm PST, full moon, saturday night . I went crazy for the few days following that exact second and I did things that were not only destructive to my body but could have destroyed what little reputation and credibility I have left in the world.<br />
Something in my heart shifted to a self destructive place at that horrific moment, and I did not know why for three strange days. I only knew I wanted to die myself.<br />
When I did receive the FB message that she was dead Tuesday, Sept 1st, it all made sense, in a really awful way.<br />
I have been wandering in a daze now for the past 6 months. So many details to deal with her death that I was finally sent into a tailspin, going at 200 mpg until my body gave out last week. I got the flu for the first time in 6 years. I mean, really sick, where everything seems underwater when you're vertical, but horizontal, its like a bad acid trip, or worse, puking up and down the stairs.<br />
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She was really my only family even though she was only my "half" sister. My family dynamic has always been tricky, so trying to describe my sister and I's relationship is not sweet. If I were to try to explain all the different parts and relatives involved, you would need a flow chart. I will keep it to just us.<br />
As a child, she tortured me, being terribly jealous. I spent my childhood fearing her, hating her and idolizing her . I think that to be about the most normal of what we were to each other. She also stole a lot, lied a lot, and could eat whatever she wanted in huge amounts and never gain a pound. This, to a fat kid, was the cruelest joke of all.<br />
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My sister influenced my opinion on music, my sister taught me how to drive at the age of 12. She taught me how to look at art, as she could turn trash into treasure. My sister taught me how to roll a joint. She taught me how to be patient and listen (because I had to) and she also embarrassed me at parties and drove me crazy and locked me out of my own house and was a giant pain in the ass.<br />
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Yesterday was FEB 29. Leap year, and I thought it ironic and karmic at the same time. This year there was a six month anniversary. I didn't know how to feel so I just went to work. I came home still woozy from the flu and decided to watch the Spike Lee movie about Michael Jackson..<br />
One of the things we used to do as children was dance to songs. We would choreograph routines to The chilites, Diana Ross and the supremes and of course, The Jackson 5.<br />
The movie was so well done. It had amazing footage from when the group was just starting out, and I was always such a huge fan cuz Michael was my age. It was almost like I grew up with him and the movie was a joyful experience of his music and dance. It also reminded me of the limitless joy that my sister had. The fearless but fragile wanting to acquire as much knowledge as possible about everything . I mean everything.<br />
One of the the worst parts of this process is going thru all her stuff, and realizing I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. She had notes and clippings about recipes and self help books and addresses...<br />
This whole process involving lawyers and police and a really icky alternate party that keeps trying to hurt me, because they hurt so much themselves has made this part of my life a really sad time, until I saw this movie.<br />
Im up and dancing and not really sad until the end when they start talking about how he is still so missed..and what an amazing talent he was, and how lucky we are to have all the footage so we can still see him whenever we want.<br />
The very last shot of the movie was footage of his birthday party in Brooklyn in 2009. Thousands of people dancing and celebrating. Then they flashed the date, August 29.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-12749577684571719152015-08-11T10:00:00.003-07:002017-06-13T15:37:16.666-07:00Baryshnikov (or My Left Foot)This story is a good one on how NOT being present in your life will have you MISS the GOOD.<br />
Ive been telling it in my Pilates classes all this week. Then my friend in NYC sent me a short clip of the man himself dancing....Oh so beautiful. So let us return to yesteryear...when Im a chain smoking model/actress/dancer 2nd ad in the big Apple.<br />
Here I am in 1997, working in the industry (TV and FILM) but still dancing and auditioning. Still taking class as much as I could til I sprained my left ankle on set and continued to work/walk on it that very day. I was a foolish brat who never gave her body a break. You can imagine I didn't take class for a good two months with a severe re-sprain like that...but of course I finally wander back in.<br />
My body looks ok, but my left foot looks like shit. It won't point at all. I stick it out and it looks like a club.. Hopefully a few classes will stretch those tendons out.<br />
If you don't know the obsession with dancers and feet, they are a BIG DEAL. Basically, if you've got good feet, you're in....its ALL ABOUT THE FEET.<br />
Im standing in my usual spot in studio 2 in the corner along 72nd street facing east when you know who walks in.<br />
He took class at Steps often, and was very professional and courteous at all times. (Unlike some who sailed in on SATIN RUGS and expected to be treated as though they were ABOVE the rest of us).<br />
He walks in and stands directly next to me at the barre. Holy Shit on high, Ive been waiting to take class with this guy my whole stupid life, but TODAY?! TODAY my foot looks like shit, and he is standing in front of me facing east which means reverse....is MY LEFT FOOT...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.<br />
Suddenly it wasn't about standing next to the greatest dancer of all time and watching him, but my self obsession and my brain made it about how IM NOT GOING TO LOOK RIGHT TO HIM...wtf?<br />
As if he was interested or could care about another dancers feet in front of him...He is too busy working...not me.. Im too busy freaking out. SO for almost an hour, with Misha standing less than a foot and half in front of me (or behind me)...I could have watched HIS FEET! I could have smiled briefly, maybe made eye contact for just a moment...that would have been great, HUH? But BOO HOO on me, Im too wrapped up in MYSELF. SO I did not look at his amazing butt, nor watch his feet. Nor even get a slight whif of his sweat..cuz I wasn't there. For 45 minutes of what could have been the BEST class of MY ENTIRE LIFE.....I WAS NOT THERE FOLKS. I was so busy thinking about my left foot, that I missed the whole class.<br />
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After barre, I left and cried in the dressing room for about an hour...so disappointed in myself and my inability to enjoy life. Always focusing on what was shit and not what was amazing.<br />
I was amazing. I was gorgeous back then, and I bet you ten to one that if I had smiled at him..he would have smiled back! I probably could have even made a little joke and gotten giggle out of him, but NO. I decided to turn the whole thing around and make it crap. 45 minutes of crap.<br />
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SO what is our lesson, Boys and girls? <br />
Wake UP... its your life and if your not in it, its passing you by!!<br />
Let me be your cautionary tale.. start living now and get into the moments..cuz thats your life...cuz that was a whole boat load of moments that I trashed FOR NO REASON....<br />
Your life is not your appearance. Its not your clothes or shoes, or even body. Its YOU.<br />
I have lived in that so called "perfect body", but I didn't know what it felt like cuz I felt like shit most of the time. This was just when I started stunt work, too... My life was so good. But I was shit in my life.<br />
Change how you see the world and yourself.. slow down and try to be present and experience things as they are, not how you were taught they are supposed to be.<br />
I somehow thought that when I took class with Baryshnikov, I would be so good as to IMPRESS HIM? How delusional, self obsessed and grandiose could I be? Its not what it looks like but how it feels.<br />
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I feel pretty good about myself these days. But I have regrets and this one is up there.<br />
Live now, be a child, put down the device and look around. The world is a big beautiful messy fantastic place...You only have to feel it.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-67720967634099194532015-05-30T09:29:00.001-07:002017-10-27T07:21:20.502-07:00the truth about LALos Angeles. The city of Angels. I dont think so.<br />
In my life span, I have lived in LA collectively for almost half. I have never stayed here longer than now. I moved back here in 2007, so that makes 7 years here. I never lasted more than 5. Im starting to feel the pinch.<br />
For much of the time spent here, the level of angst and anger that I see in the faces of nearly everyone was a complete mystery to me. It seemed juxtapose to the surroundings of this beautiful place as well as the so called "Californian attitude". I grew up in SF, where Californian Attitude is KING, and I used to make a joke that there was just too much oxygen and sunshine down here and it corroded your brain. Unfourtunetly, I was not far off.<br />
The very nature of any city is to allow people to civilize and commune themselves. To work together.<br />
Living close together means you are not alone, and if you need help or a cup of sugar, you are supported. Its supposed to make life easier. Its supposed to bring people closer.<br />
<b>Los Angeles was built by and for the movie business.</b> That business is built on aesthetics, money, power and judgement. Its also built on competition, meaning <b>every man for himself. That is wha</b>t <b>drives this town</b>. This is a place where people wrap dog shit in a bag (sometimes!), but leave the bag on the sidewalk. This is a place where people talk on their cell phones in romantic restaurants and dont talk to each other. This is a town where the cyclist's are so entitled and self righteous, they ride in packs, and terrorize motorists.This is a town where Mom and daughter dress alike, in hot pants and 4 inch heels.<br />
I have seen animals and children, ignored or endangered for the sake of a text or phone call, to the point where the animal or child nearly gets run over in the street.<br />
The level of self indulgence and lack of humanity is everywhere. Customer service is hard to come by, and I haven't even mentioned the driving yet. That could be its own blog.<br />
One of the worst things is there is NO ASPCA in LA County. The civic regulators sort of gave up on controlling a population that has too much money, or none. The rich want to keep tigers on the property and the poor raise chickens and bunnies to eat.<br />
I have found myself in difficult situations with finding animals along the road ("wow, I really need to fix that hole in my fence. Thanks for finding my dog") or dealing with dogs that bark and bark and bark, and there is nothing to be done. I found five rabbits in my back yard in east LA. Two white and three brown. They were obviously escaping someones dinner pot.Thank God bunnies are EASY to rehome.<br />
But it is now tragic. I live in a condo strip which means two sets of condos face in to a main driveway in San Fernando Valley.<br />
I saw two feral black and white cats on my second night here. They would wander up and down the driveway but stayed closest to one particular house. Then I started to see dishes of food on that same house lawn. Some one was feeding them! I asked other people who live here, and some said yes they had seen them, but most just shrugged at me.<br />
People here think they are being kind when they feed a stray or a wild animal.<br />
You would cry if I told you how many times Ive seen people feeding coyotes and squirrels. To the point where Ive had a coyote go aggressive on me AND my dog (COMPLETE REVERSAL OF INSTINCT) and seen squirrels so fat they can barely climb trees. One homeless guy told me he kills the fat ones and eats them. I hope there are no children in the park that day.<br />
You leave wildlife ALONE. You don't feed wild life because you break the cycle of these animals either dying off or being able to get food for themselves.<br />
If you want a cat, take on the responsibility of having one, and caring for it, and keeping it safe.<br />
There are 5 kittens that I have now rescued. Three I found along the driveway one night (I believe the mother was moving them) and two I rescued out of the dumpster. They had jumped in, but were too small to hop back out. Some idiot had left the lid open. This town. Thanks to God I was taking out the trash. They would have been dumped into the Garbage truck the following morning.<br />
There are still 7 more kittens and three (not two) adults females and one huge gray Tom cat.<br />
Im trying to organize a "kitten wrangle" to save the little ones. I don't know how its going to go down, but I have to do something. I have to act, I can't sit and watch.<br />
The 4 adults will have to be euthanized as there is very little hope for adoption. People will adopt an adult dog, but not a cat.<br />
So as Ive been feeding them and trying to coax them all into a state of comfort in my back yard, I know its only to trap and kill some of them. Im heartsick.<br />
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In this city of angels, I feel alone.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-58460857035381818872015-05-20T17:49:00.000-07:002015-08-11T19:07:07.817-07:00dragThe word "Drag". I know the definitive orgin comes from Shaekespear's day when actors dressed up like women (Dressesd as girl) but to a kid raised in Ca in the 1970's, drag has meant "bad" or a bummer or something hard to do...so when I met my first drag queen at 14, I thought, of course this is DRAG..it must be...and HOW FABULOUS!<br />
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I grew up ugly and then got gorgeous over one summer. I was the ugly duckling story come to life. And though it was wonderful to finally be beautiful, after so many years, it was also eye opening.<br />
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I became very aware that people treat you how you look..I had been ugly as a girl, now I was beautiful. It left me feeling I had no one to trust since even my parent's treated me differently.<br />
I found myself, as well as found myself in a group of close friends from HS. We would travel, by bus if we had to, to see Rocky Horror Picture Show every weekend.<br />
Many in this group felt as I, misfits. But the beautiful thing is that we found each other, and created a family. <br />
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Every weekend The Strand theatre on Market Street would have midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. What a scene outside the theatre it was. For a girl of 14, it was magical and happy where all accepted all.<br />
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I was raised in a beautiful household but I was ugly ..so therefore un-wanted, I never fit in...but here, we all didn't fit in..and so we fit together, and it was amazing.<br />
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There was this one drag queen. Kevin. She was 6'4 in heels, always the biggest blonde (platinum) wig and white dress, as if on way to wedding. God she was gloriuos, and loud and sooo happy to be herself. I loved her.<br />
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Ironically this is the weekend after mothers day...and I post that my mother ignores me on FB..she always has and always will..<br />
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I will never forget when I realized that these girl's (some of 'em) were abandoned by they're mothers too.<br />
And I see why I identify and love these art forms. They too feel alone.<br />
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Ru said it best.. on season 5 to Roxy " we get to choose our own family"<br />
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I wept..and this morning through this afternoon, I felt a connection in a room full of total strangers.<br />
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Most of the selfies I got taken by the queens or their assistants as my hands were shaking. I was so excited to be there among these fabulous people.<br />
Tomorrow I go back to have a pic with the queen, RuPaul, herself.<br />
Just to be near her today outside a convention curtain, I could see her on the other side..laughing.<br />
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Today they were all laughing.....some were hungry and tired by 1 pm, but the feeling in the air was joy...we were all there to celebrate FABULOUSNESS and it showed...all the queens I had the nerve to stop for a snap, STOPPED dead and let me know "of course" and some even said we love you too...Chad Michaels let me talk to her for five minutes....."oh Oh honey, Breathe" <br />
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It was the most, and the best is I went by myself for myself to see the lady herself...all fingers crossed tomorrow I will.gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-49908471917089301092015-02-10T14:46:00.001-08:002019-01-16T13:08:02.309-08:00ScaryIve always been a fan of being scared. The hair going up on the back of my neck, a slight feeling of vertigo, increased heart rate. The sense that I'm out of control and its going to get worse before its get better.<br />
When I was little I read a lot of horror stories and there were three separate instances where I had to PUT the BOOK down. I mean, so scared that I had to stop reading.<br />
These were works of fiction, that I knew were not real. Then I grew up, and learned about real fear.<br />
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"Annabelle" The movie came out about two month's ago. Its about a doll. Whether they stuck to the actual story in the movie, its based in truth.<br />
I first heard about this doll from the movie "The Conjuring" about a couple (The Warrens) that investigate paranormal occurrence's around the country. They were an actual couple. <br />
The movie is based on one of their more terrifying cases, not to do with the doll. In their history, we see their basement of haunted objects. Annabelle is one of them.<br />
<br />
There are those that are still skeptical about the reality of the fourth plane of existence. A place where the spirit world can cross over into our dimension, which is considered to be the third plane.<br />
There are those who rely merely on science and are now convinced that there are FORCES that we can not explain. There is another plane that many do not experience but who know is there.<br />
We also know there is a strong pull between harmless spirits and harmful ones.<br />
Whether or not you believe in ghost's, spirits and demons, they exist. There are things that go bump in the night.<br />
Ive been studying Witch Craft and Paranormal Occurrence since I was a little. I have had several instances of spirit interaction or meta-physical experience in my life. I have always felt more sensitive to my environment than most. There are forces out there. Annabelle is a clear indication of that.<br />
<br />
Now, in my opinion, Hollywood frequently gets it wrong, so in the movie the doll itself has been modified to scare us. We see her in a glass case, a classic European porcelain style doll, 24 inches tall, dressed as a child, pretty with brown curls, a huge sharp crack running down her face starting from inside her left eye. Its a frightening image to be sure. I was fascinated when I first heard about her and decided to research it myself.<br />
I am almost sorry I did.<br />
The actual story is this.<br />
<br />
The doll was given as a gift to a nursing student. It had been purchased in a second hand store.<br />
The roommate was the first to notice that the doll seemed to move her body(face down to sitting up, arms and legs crossing)when the two where not home. Then they started to find notes. A spiritual medium(not well informed unfortunately) was called in and surmised the property was haunted by a seven year old girl, Annabelle, who had died there.<br />
During the seance, the plight of the spirit seemed to soften the fear of the two girls, and through the medium, Annabelle asked if she might stay.<br />
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To outsiders this all sounds nuts. But it makes sense to me. These two girls were nurses. Who better to feel compassion for a lost soul, literally. I understand why they agreed. But if you don't know, you never INVITE a spirit in. They called the doll Annabelle from that moment on.<br />
At this point, it gets beyond weird, the doll moving from room to from now, leaving notes 'help us' or 'help Lou' who was a skeptical friend that kept telling them to ditch the doll.<br />
<br />
Lou starts to have dreams where the doll is strangling him. One night when he and one of the roommates are planning a trip, they hear rustling from the other room. Lou goes to investigate and first senses a strong presence, and then is clawed by something, under his shirt.<br />
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This is when the three of them finally get in touch with the Warrens. The biggest problem now is that the spirit in the doll is demonic of nature, has been invited to stay. It has to be removed from the premises, and the apartment get a exorcism.<br />
On the drive home, the Investigators stay off the main roads to avoid an accident. But they claim that on every turn and twist the car would nearly stall out, loosing steering and brake control and only after the doll was sprinkled with holy water, did the car perform as it should.<br />
There were many more 'instances' once the Warrens got Annabelle to their home, and they finally had a special lead glass case built for her. Apparently one young man, after being told the history of the doll, went up and banged on the glass, challenging the spirit.<br />
He was in a motorcycle accident on his way home and died about an hour later.<br />
I think the scariest piece is this.<br />
Annabelle is NOT a porcelain doll at all. She is a regular Sized Raggedy Ann. I thought of posting a picture of the real doll here at the bottom, but I don't even want that image on my hard drive. Its in my head. Thats enough.<br />
Look her up, but I warn you. That flat, familiar white face, with those black triangle eyes, and the fact that I and EVERY little girl I knew had one back then.<br />
Raggedy Ann. Annabelle. yep...scared.<br />
<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-39643600291106334132015-01-21T13:01:00.000-08:002016-03-04T09:20:20.339-08:00Organic cane sugarWell, my Dears...the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things.<br />
Its time to speak some truth and clear some general confusion about food!!<br />
I am not a nutritionist, but I am an ex fattie, ex dancer, ex food addict, and ex compulsive eater. I know about food combination, and the different diets out there and what the body processes and why and how. I've studied the human body and its need for fuel for nearly 25 years. There are things that MOST of us don't seem to know. Time to wake up.<br />
<br />
RULE #1 What is says is not necessarily what it is. Organic does not mean what you think organic means anymore.<br />
In the early 20's, congress passed a law saying that you had to list all the ingredients on the package, and their quantities contained therein appropriately.<br />
In 1973, Congress reversed itself, and that law was repealed. They can call anything REAL so long as it has the SAME nutritional properties and content coding as what WE originally considered to be so. Acidophilus Milk is not real milk. It is not from a cow. It is a combination of all things that were ORGANICALLY in milk, and a recreation of that product (minus the stuff that bothers the tummy). A lot of the cheese we buy has a lot of CHEESE <b>product.</b> Things are added to make it last longer, and then you have to add things to mask the flavor of what you added in the first place.<br />
Example: Frozen strawberries CAN be sold with strawberry flavoring and sugar ADDED because you loose some flavor in the freezing process.<br />
So to clarify and set the record straight.....the word "ORGANIC" is not the get out of jail free ticket that every one thinks it is. There is NO such thing as ORGANIC CANE SUGAR. They put that on the label to trick you. Sugar in its simplest form is the kind your Grandmother used. Either white or brown. Sugar is sugar...organic sugar is not better for you than regular sugar.<br />
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In the early seventies, there was a sugar shortage. We used a lot of sugar in our fatty American diet, so our brilliant government decided to introduce CORN SYRUP as a replacement.<br />
Corn is more readily available, easier to mass produce and process, and there it is. The CORN syrup revolution was born.<br />
Sad facts that the USDA and the AMA probably won't tell you is you PROCESS SUCROSE (sugar) in your body differently than FRUCTOSE, and to confuse you further, its now called HFCS (High Fructose corn syrup).<br />
Because its cheaper than sucrose, its used a lot more. We are finally seeing a small admittance to how damaging HFCS is to the body over time. Its been more than 30 years since its introduction to our diet, and if you haven't read up, we are a nation in DIET/OBESITY crisis mode. We have done it to ourselves!! The government keep saying its our lack of exercise and meal preportions that made us fat, but it has a lot to do with the CRAP WE EAT. Statistics now state one out of two children will develop Type 2 Diebetes in their life time. SHAME ON US.<br />
<br />
Here is a simple trick to eat better.<br />
<br />
If there are more than 5 ingredients listed on the label, walk away. The paleolithic diet is not a diet, but a way to eat like your grandma did. Hopefully your Grandma was a good cook and made everything from scratch. You don't have to eat raw( although the raw diet, the REAL ONE, is the best diet to live on) but you want to eat simply. You want to eat things that have been changed the least since their origin. The less the food has been screwed with before it goes into your mouth, the better. Frozen, caned, condensed, and especially hydrogenated food should be avoided. Fast food is poison. Goodbye Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with its neon colored powder and addictive taste. I still use pasta sauce from a jar but I use one with 5 ingredients. You can find this stuff in the regular supermarket but you have to look!<br />
In my opinion, if you really want to know, read the book FAT CHANCE by Dr. Robert Lustig.<br />
He is a pediatrician and has been studying the effects of bad diet to our children, both rich families and poor, and now has conclusive results about HOW we have GENETICALLY changed our bodies DNA and NOT for the better.<br />
Michael Pollan also has some good books.....<br />
The more you educate yourself, the more you can take care of yourself.<br />
Put as much effort into YOU as you do your life!<br />
<br />
You can thank me later.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-47100187566962246732014-11-11T10:22:00.000-08:002017-11-10T05:11:08.793-08:00Gravity. Your brains on Gravity. any questions?Gravity. <i>The force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth.</i><br />
<br />
This is the Dictionary's definition (although not Websters).<br />
Its pretty much what keeps your butt in the chair and the planet in alignment with the sun.<br />
Its what moves us and holds us, but has almost been completely neglected in terms of its connection to the body or physical fitness.<br />
If gravity is the governing force behind how we move, then why do we never consider it?<br />
How little we DO consider it (especially in exercise where we need it most) is the problem Im trying to address, I want to focus on our level of disconnect and lack of awareness in every day function.<br />
<br />
I have been a physical person my whole life, not necessarily because I enjoyed it but because Im a body type that needs to exercise to not gain weight. Swimming, riding, skiing, diving, gymnastics.<br />
Finally dance. Hurling, twisting, moving my body against or with something in order to incur the system to get stronger. But I never considered the damage I was doing to the system (me!).<br />
Then I became a stunt person.<br />
<i><b> In stunt work, its all about gravity</b></i>. Its about the condition/shape of the car and what the road surface is. Its also about your tires. Your "Gravity contact point ". Your greatest ally in controlling your vehicle exactly where you want it to go is your tires. In stunt work, its not about crashing into things, but moving with precision. Controlled Chaos.<br />
Your own movement in life is the same. You dont want to crash into things. You want to move yourself with grace and control. You want to know where your foot is in relationship to the corner of the door so you dont stub your toe. Proprioception ..the knowledge of your body in relationship to itself as well as the space around it.<br />
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Here is the second half. Your BRAIN. Again really important in how you move, and again, generally overlooked.<br />
Because of how we learn to walk, without focus but instead with complete reliance on the CNS (central nervous system) we dont know HOW we move, we just DO IT. You can watch some one do something and most of us can replicate simple movements, or we get taught, like riding a bicycle.<br />
Think back when you first learned to ride a bike. It seemed impossible not to wobble but then suddenly you just knew. Some how it clicked and all of a sudden the CNS took over and your body moved automatically with ease and little focus. and every time you get on the bike now, you just know. MUSCLE MEMORY. Stored in your brain and your body remembers.<br />
BUT as you age, the brain (like the rest of the body) starts to work less. It is not as sharp or efficient as before. Muscle memory is not as clear, and sometimes the brain forgets to trigger the automatic movement and you can fall down. Many people have their knees give out because the brain forgets lock it when it put the foot down and thats it, You crash to the floor. BAM. It happens a lot.<br />
Not to me. I have not fallen down in almost 6 years, and my dog has tried. In fact the one time I impressed my mother was when the dog tried to pull me into a creek bed chasing a rabbit, and I just stood there like a tree, my gravity center too engaged, even at a moment when I was not prepared, to be pulled over or down.<br />
<br />
I have trained myself to be aware of my body in life through Pilates. I DO know how I move and what muscles I need to stand tall. Joe Pilates' main focus in his books is about LIFE MOVEMENTS....not simply about exercise. Its gotten a little blurry for some who see Pilates as just another form of exercise.<br />
Its a way of living.<br />
I want you to to think of how you move. Lets start with the basics. Just try to feel how you move around and if you can remember, notice how others around you move. Can you see tightness or the need to swing anything?<br />
If we would only train ourselves to walk properly and move from the center all the time, with our core working, we would be a much happier people with less need for doctors and an ability to walk tall and lightly where ever life takes us.<br />
Walk from your ribcage, not from your shoulders or hips.<br />
Try not to swing your arms. Walk over the first and second toe, then the middle of your foot, not the sides.<br />
Avoid momentum and heave in daily activities (if you can) and control your body. Pay attention to the little things and try to feel your life.<br />
<br />
Theses are all first steps in developing <b>a Pilates Mind</b>. Your mind will bring your body back to life!<br />
I PROMISE!<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-63629684882433395362014-10-27T16:49:00.000-07:002014-10-27T16:49:27.977-07:00My Sister's Mother died.That in of itself is an odd sentence. It is also indicative of my family. I come from a multi- marriage family, meaning my sister and I have the same Father but different Mothers. Our Father passed away in 1997. She has a brother that she shares her Mother with, but different Father's, making him no relation to me by blood what so ever. It was his posting I saw on FB about his Mom being in the ICU with a few hours to live. I called my Sister ...Joan had just died.<br />
I dont know how to feel. I never knew Joan at all. My Father had married her, had my sister, met my mother and divorced Joan to marry my mother.and eventually have me.. A reason she has to resent me is that apparently before I was born, my Mother went out of her way to be nice to my sister, but after I was born, became frenetic and mean.<br />
I only know what I witnessed.....and yes, I remember My mother and my sister fought a lot. Unfortunately for my sister and I, we had come from a long line of non parentage, so I actually dont remember anyone liking anyone in my family. The adults seemed very sad, or very drunk most of the time.<br />
Fortunately for my sister, I heard that Joan was lovely. It always sounded to me like Joan was everything to My sister that my Mother was not to me. Maybe that is the reason I never wanted to know her, or their relationship. The relationship with My mother is quite the opposite. We dont like each other very much. Maybe its because we are so much alike, or maybe its because my Mother is a very hard piece of work. She is rude and sullen and also very very funny and charming and a drug addict/alcoholic. She has had a very hard life herself, and after years of waiting for her to be my Mother, I have let it go..<br />
Ironically, she called yesterday, and left a voice mail. But I dont like to hear them til the end of the day. It really can bum you out when you get a drunken voice message at 10 am from your mother.<br />
I have learned how to "work" our relationship. I learned how to work all the relationship's I have in my nuclear family. Its the classic dysfunctional dynamic. When the roller-coaster gets too crazy inside the four walls, you learn how to fake it and just hold on.<br />
I learned what my Mother is capable of, and what she is not capable of. I now know that her not liking me is not personal at all...Its not my fault. I still play the part of supportive daughter and keep my mouth shut.<br />
But all this has brought that which is missing to light. I cant help my sister because she is in NYC and Im here in LA..I feel so helpless!! Right now I want to call my Mother and say<i> Im sad ..please take care of me</i>. I know I would not get the support. I am sure she is having a lot of feelings about Joan's death herself, and my Mother puts her feelings above everyone else s.<br />
<br />
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When I wish to be there for my Sister, I realize Im also jealous of her. I wish I had a Mom like that.<br />
I guess Im like my Mom. My feelings are coming first right now.<br />
I would have liked to have known Joan. Im so very sorry Michaela.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-80219564492044170502014-10-23T12:46:00.000-07:002017-06-13T15:40:00.849-07:00Xui-zenI started changing my name when I was 10. My name is NOT EVAN ONEILL. That is a stage name. Come on, Guys, it rolls too easily off the tongue to be real.<br />
In actuality, Evan ONeill is the fourth name Ive used in my life. My birth name, the one that used to be on the birth certificate is Susan Etienne Sturhahn. Quite a mouthful. My middle name is french (Et-i-ann) and was all the rage back then.<br />
Everyone called me<b> Sue</b>, (my parents only used the long version when they were mad.) <b>SUSAN</b>. I did not like myself as a child AT ALL. SO I hated my name. It sounded boring, and clumsy. <b>Sue</b>...blech. Especially when you compared it to my sisters name, which was Michaela (very popular now but very unique then ).<br />
From the first day of school, there were always multiple Susan's in my class. And at role call, they had to call out my last name, which NO ONE could pronounce right. Its German. Stur-Hahn. The second h is silent. It trips everyone up. I hated having to correct the teacher, or the snickers that would occur after the teacher would say "SUSAN STER....STEER..STURHA.....?" And of course the Sir-Han Sir-Han jokes were legion.<br />
To this day, I still call myself a fat kid. That is how I felt. I felt ugly and disgusting, being fat, and having no will power because I ate too much. I remember diets and food restrictions and my mothers favorite saying, "you're going to be as big as a house one day". That one is drilled into the brain pattern so well I still believe it at off times.<br />
But the pictures I have of me tell my brain something else. I look chunky but not fat. NOT by any stretch am I fat. The experience I remember (I have 92 percent recall) is that I was called FAT. I was beat up because they called me fatty. Everyone around me, especially my relatives would always ask how the diet was going.<br />
So <b>Susan</b>, to me, is a fat name. I was <b>FAT SUSAN</b> in my head and on the planet until 6th Grade.<br />
I don't know where I got the idea, or how I grew the balls, but in the second week of school, I walked up to my teacher, Mrs. Rowles, and told her I wanted to have a different name in the role book.<br />
I wanted to be called <b>Anna</b>. No one asked why, no calls to Dad. She simply said ok.<br />
I guess Marin County had something to do with it, as well as 1974....but it was easy. And I got everyone in the class to do it, then everyone in school. Susan was gone and it took less effort than figuring out a math problem. I was some one else! HAZAA.<br />
I was still fat, but at least I was NOT <b>SUSAN</b>.<br />
By Christmas break, I was sick of <b>Anna</b>. I now wanted be called <b>Julie</b>. Mrs Rowles said ok, and I got to be <b>Julie</b> for two months before <b>Amanda</b> started to sound better. Mrs Rowles said ok. My 7th grade teacher told me that he was not going to change the role book every three months, so I should find a name I really liked and stick with it. <b>Jaimi (Jamie) Sturhahn</b> became me and I became her.<br />
For the next 8 years until I moved to NYC to start Professional Acting School, I was<b> Jaimi</b>. Or James to many. I only heard the name<b> Susan</b> or <b>Sue</b> in my house from my family and there was little time with family anyhow.<br />
I am still called <b>Jaimi</b> by most of my friends up north. They have offered to call me <b>Evan</b>, but it sounds strange to my ears. I just went to my 30 year HS re-union and some one thought my name was <b>Jes </b>because back then I used my initials at times for variety. I had completely forgotten that one.<br />
When I moved to NYC, I enrolled in Neighborhood Playhouse Summer session. The first day of school, and the teacher calls out <b>Susan Sturhahn</b>. Holy shit balls! Do I have to do this again? DO I want to give a whole boring story? No...quick on my feet, I said "No, that is a misprint. My name is <b>Suzanne</b>." Out with the old, in with the new. I was now<b> Suzanne.</b><br />
In the beginning it was fine, but to my horror, people started to call me <b>Sue</b>. Not good.<br />
I was gorgeous and thin by now, but inside I still felt insecure. I still felt very imperfect. I knew I was pretty, but I never felt gorgeous.<br />
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There is no retouching on this photo. That was me at 21. I was fuckin' GORGEOUS.<br />
But I could not be <b>Sue</b>....so after I got dumped by the one who got away, I became<b> Evan</b> <b>ONeill</b>. Technically the name on my Social is Evan Rachel ONeill. I knew I needed a feminine name in there to avoid casting problems, but when Evan Rachel Wood became famous (Goddamnit, she stole my name, but thank God she is good enough to be worthy of it) I dropped Rachel.<br />
I have been<b> Evan ONeill</b> for 25 years.<br />
Two years ago I took a trip to NYC. I was strolling down a little street in Soho..it was deserted of business' save a lone placard that hung above a door about two thirds down to my right.<br />
<br />
<b>X U I - Z E N </b><br />
<b> </b><br />
<b> </b>It was printed simply in black on white wood with a lot of space between the letters.<br />
I started to sound it out in my head. I assumed it was Asian and Im a dumb american so I first sounded it out Shu-zen. But then I corrected myself and said...no..it would be like the word sue...<b>SU</b>-<b>ZEN</b>. ..".Oh...God", I thought to myself, "that is the most beautiful word I have ever heard". and I said it out loud." <b>SU-zen</b>". How perfect sounding. Like a second name for the word beautiful. I started to try and figure out what it could mean and then I literally stopped walking AS IT HIT ME.<br />
SUSAN...That was MY fuckin' name. Spelled differently and hitting my brain from another direction all together it was like hearing music. The name I despised<br />
I didn't like it on other people either, and one of my best friends is Suzy (and the z saves her!) . I even make comments that no one is called Susan any more because it is a fat name. In my mind, the 5 letters put together spell FAT.<br />
All I had to do was replace the letters. It was an astounding revelation.<br />
SO simple and yet I had jumped and dodged and weaved around a word, that had been beautiful all along. I just couldn't hear it.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-31589146863928438862014-10-02T12:37:00.000-07:002014-10-02T12:37:07.132-07:00Survivor and shouldersI love Survivor. I am truly a fan, and have watched almost every season. I was mortified to discover it has been running 20 years...certainly does not seem that long. There is something about reality tv. I know its mainly editing and I know they do a little "stirring" out there, which means they up the drama, but Im glued to my set (and I dont like TV anymore) every wed night. I look forward to it all week.<br />
Back when it started, it was one of the first and one of the few shows that offered a million dollar reward. Today a million dollars does not sound like enough money to endure all the bug bites, rashes, hunger and rain. But now it seems like people come on to play, and challenge themselves to their physical limits.All the plotting and scheming also now with all knowledge of immunity idols, flint for fire, sharing of clues and info...almost its own little culture...wow<br />
This year, "blood vs Water" has gotten me a little bothered. Pitting family against each other...for ratings and uncomfortable moments of shame. But Im still watching...one of my guilty pleasures I guess. It is a least a little better than brains, brawn and beauty. That format was a offensive.<br />
<br />
Last night, big Burly John Rocker (ex baseball player) goes up against his gorgeous big titted girlfriend in a challenge that required balancing a ball on a plate while walking through an obstacle course.<br />
She is smaller so she had that advantage BUT every time Rocker had to lower his body to pass under a bar, he would raise his shoulders, and therefore drop the ball. He dropped it three times while his girlfriend went straight through.<br />
She has a body to die for, so Im sure she does some sort of core work, and it showed. With great body stability and control, she could move herself under bars and over stairs while keeping her arm completely still.<br />
<br />
You could see the frustration on the big athletes face as he seemed dumbfounded of why he could not steady his arm under that bar... he seemed to maneuver the first part fine..and then whoops...<br />
She won the challenge easily, and when Jeff Probst asked was she surprised, she said yes. He was always more able to do things than her. Evan she did not know how physically disconnected her man really was.<br />
It is what is wrong with BIG MUSCLE FITNESS. It is about a professional athlete NOT knowing how to MOVE his body with control or awareness.<br />
<br />
It is time to see fitness and strength training as conveyors of life movement and ability, not a hindrance.<br />
Please be mindful of ALL your movements, and be gentle on the joints.<br />
Im going to be interested to see if this big guy sticks around. Many challenges on Survivor are about Brut strength, but many are about finesse. He has none.<br />
It was also revealed last night why this guy is NOT playing baseball anymore, (cuz he said something stupid) and so he is not looking like such a good guy. I think his days are numbered.<br />
<br />
Life should be functionally easy, meaning your body should carry you into your later years with grace and joy.<br />
Put the big weights down. Big muscles sink in the pool. Stop watching yourself in the gym and feel something.<br />
Your body will thank you.<br />
And so will I.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-65936584300149524152014-09-19T14:30:00.001-07:002014-09-19T14:30:21.492-07:00public gyms....National or local chains...I have seen very few that encourage proper form or movement control/awareness.<br />
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I could go crazy on all the crap I see happening. I go in there to get a little cardio, and its like walking into a torture chamber. No one seems to know what they are doing, or why. No one seems to have the current CORRECT information on how the body works. With all the info you can now get on your phones these days, Im shocked and amazed. But instead of bitching, Im going to do something.<br />
<br />
Im starting a web series in October, but Im also going to be posting exercises, stretches and modifications here as well.<br />
Everyone should live pain and stress free and still have all the bells and whistles they want. Balance is key. But lets start with the basics Here are some rules if you want to work out in these places, or anywhere for that matter.<br />
<br />
Rule #1<br />
If you don't know what you're doing ASK for help. Get a trainer, or read a book. Working out is not simple science. Most people work too much in their back and shoulders. That means they originate movement from joint lines, and not muscle groups. If you put strain on the joints, you wear them out. The joint lines are really important to stability in the body as it ages<b>. </b><br />
<b>(Trainers that work for gyms are under-payed...</b>take their input with a grain of salt. They are told to confuse or overwork the client. To keep the client coming back needing more, but knowing the likely hood of returns is LOW)<br />
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Rule #2<br />
Proper foot ware and floor surface.<br />
Change out your sneakers every three to six months. Your shoes develop imprints and keep you walking (or exercising) in dis alignment.<br />
Beware of doing impact or cardio on carpet. Many places have carpet to cover cement. You don't want to exercise on cement. Try to find wood floors.<br />
(I gotta say right here and now, with all the DIRT we have in LA, why people would run on cement is ludicrous. Running is good for the heart but kinda bad for knees and ankles, and hips. Lots of impact over time puts stress on already STRESSED muscles and tendons. )<br />
at the other end, some doctors frown on running on the beach because it does not give enough support or resistance. you're overtaxing your hamstring as well as your Achilles.<br />
RUN ON DIRT, Careful down hill.(also bad for your knees)<br />
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Rule #3 The three tiers of movement.<br />
What are you doing (endurance, strength,flexibility, upright, horizontal or seated)<br />
How are you doing it (slow or fast, with experience or correction (coaching)<br />
Where are you doing it (outside, inside, stable or unstable surface)<br />
<br />
we know that the body will work harder if it feels unstable, because its natural instinct is to provide foundation. That is what is great about Bosu and Balance balls. The body is working against itself as well as the exercise.<br />
HERE"S THE BEEF! You must allow the body at least level of stability, or it will probably hurt itself. Some of us like two levels of instability, but you never want three.<br />
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That is why spinning is so effective..you're on a stationary bike, so your ability to push is greater than if you were on the street and had to pay attention to lots of other things (road surface, traffic, pedestrians, etc) and your seated...so the core is more supported allowing the legs to burn more.<br />
Step class on bosu is stupid. all three levels going..you're working really hard upright, you re stepping on and off an unstable, un even surface (knees and ankles) and your moving FAST which will keep you focused on completion of movement, not form.<br />
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Two levels of instability...thats it...otherwise you will take yourself down. Once you stop exercising, its hard to start again.<br />
Remember that your brain is in control of all movement, that is why muscle awareness and control are so key to getting the results you want!<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-31435053923540233072014-09-18T15:24:00.000-07:002014-09-28T13:43:09.386-07:00Coming outI guess its time to get real. Get really real. Cuz its crunch time.<br />
When you're scraping along the bottom, and you come up way short in your take out order, you can either blame the idiot behind the window, or yourself for going out for fast food in the first place..<br />
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For what has happened to my life, I cant allow the anger to consume me. A relationship is what I was seeking, Satan showed up. I have to forgive Satan.<br />
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Its been a year since I blogged....shame and denial.<br />
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All the work and effort to build something substantial, gone in a single stroke. I had a nice apartment, a job that was getting good, and we even move to BEL AIRE to an apt with a pool!Then the cops were called. I was escorted out. Domestic violence. Holy shit on Sunday.<br />
I want to blame him. His anger, his alcohol, his mayhem. But I was there, and my overly active and honest brain will not allow me to play the innocent in all this. My anger, my alcohol, my mayhem had some digs in the grave as well.<br />
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I had the chance to steer the ship away, but like the Titanic, I struck the iceberg because I had given up all my power in a vain attempt to keep bailing water out.. We had been sinking almost from the beginning<br />
There were two distinct moments when I took a step and a breath away from him to see the scary clown present. To really look at what a cowardly lion he was. I had that moment, took that second before I let him back the first time we had a fight to consider what could happen. I made the wrong choice. I had no idea what ship I was on!<br />
Now its time to expose the soft naked underbelly of myself and take account on what I DID.<br />
The scenarios that I play over and over in head about what HE DID, what WE could have done, or where I was last year to where I am now? Doesn't matter.<br />
What is owed me, or what I have actually lost is still coming to light. Doesn't matter.<br />
How I feel about myself NOW, my circumstances now is what is at hand. That is what needs to be addressed, publicly for that matter, so I'm bringing myself OUT of the closet.<br />
I was in an abusive relationship. I stayed because I was afraid of being alone and broke..<br />
He is away from me, he does not know where I am. He continues to call with promises of change and money and a happy future. He says he cant live without me, and that he may return east.<br />
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I saw his pretty face and pretty dick and thought this is for me.I saw what I wanted and I let the rest fall away. we looked good together so I was too busy dancing in the light to see the bulb needed to be changed. The faster I danced the worse it got. I forgot who I was. Then the bulb blew.<br />
In the dark, I can see the light.<br />
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It doesn't matter what it looks like, duh<br />
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SO I'm starting back at the beginning, to take baby steps .and...isn't it funny, I didn't even like him that much. I'm just a drama addict with a side helping spoiledbrat#self-obsessed= hot-mess.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-23710822704086090482013-07-23T09:51:00.002-07:002013-07-23T09:54:33.240-07:00You are not HamburgerYesterday I had an interesting conversation with a client about the brain, gravity and the body.<br />
We had just finished running the series at the gym, and were watching people work out around us.<br />
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<br />
We were watching this guy do handstands. Now, every day this guy does handstands in the workout room, but he does not engage his core once he is inverted, so he can only find a zone (I know it well) where his body lines up with gravity and he can balance there...all day if he wants, as long as he doesn't breath. <br />
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I was a gymnast way back when, so I know that spot..I used to find it myself...and then I would walk on my hands forward so I COULD breathe.... its very difficult to hold that balance zone with ANY movement in the torso so I moved to maintain. In competitive gymnastics, you need only sustain a handstand for about 4 seconds.<br />
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Yesterday, he was doing handstands on a push up bar. Those things look like two handles that you put onto the floor, so that instead of your hands being flat, you are elevated about two inches, holding onto these handles instead. <br />
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my student commented on how it was better alignment on the wrist, there for a better way to execute the handstand.<br />
But in this position, his stability..ALL COMING from balancing on his hands is now gone...because he is gripping a bar, he has to stabilize from SOME WHERE ELSE..but he doesn't engage his core for the flat handed ones, so he wont do that now..so now he is putting CRAZY strain on his wrist's. <br />
<br />
People, we are ruining our hands with computer devices, and probably our wrists with driving and life..do not put strain on your wrist..<br />
THERE IS NO MUSCLE OR FAT TISSUE there. Just delicate capilaries, veins, tendons and nerve receptors. wrapped in skin.<br />
And because he was elevated off the floor, he was was a little more apprehensive. I could see it. He DID not feel safe on those bars like he did on the floor, so his fear increased his LACK of stability..<br />
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We have to think about how the brain ALLOWS the body to do its thing!! It is NOT the other way around...Gravity WORKS..to keep you on the ground..so just try to think that your brain works in a very simplistic way as well...to keep you alive..and if it senses danger, it DONT LIKEY. <br />
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YOU are NOT hamburger, so don't treat yourself like that.<br />
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Stop pounding on your body, treat it with respect, and know your muscles, tendons and joints need to function well into your 60's and 70's.<br />
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I want to walk til I drop dead at 106..so I need to take care of my body.<br />
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Be gentle with you, cuz you is the only "you" that <strong>you</strong> got!!<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-79813802861459495462013-07-22T10:36:00.001-07:002013-07-22T12:19:32.752-07:00High School Re-unionsWhy do we go? How did this American custom start? WHere is the attraction?<br />
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I will tell you.. its about who got fat and got thin. Its about who got rich and who got broke.. Its about who got sane and who got serene, and also who got batshit crazy off the rails.<br />
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Its also about seeing people that saw you at your worst and at your best. Its about all the patterns and sociality that are set at that time in our lives. Its about how we felt, just about to venture off into the world for a new exciting life. And the energy that forms when you connect with people who are like minded. There was serious connection in that room Saturday!!<br />
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In todays day and age we should do that more. Connect!<br />
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On a personal note, there were some of my favorite people in that room. People that helped shape me as a human being.<br />
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People in that room were my family as my own family were not. People in that room took care of me when I thought I had nothing. <br />
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And we took care of each other during that crazy winter when Jonestown, Milk and Moscone and then John Lennon happened. <br />
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I was busy putting together this blog in my head, and I was going to share all the best remarks of the evening. But you would miss the context, and the subtlety, so I will keep those to myself.<br />
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I will, however, fully and publicly disclose that YES I had 5 cigerettes on the porch that night. I was enjoying myself , but I was a nervous wreck. I don't smoke ( although I used too), but I guess I do under duress. And Im a health professional.<br />
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To all I was a bad influence on, I do not apologize.. I was only doing what I do best. Enjoying myself, and every one is welcome on the happy bus with me! Im a grown up now...<br />
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and it was ME, what did you expect?<br />
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I salute us all, the class of *! ...we all looked amazing and happy that night. People secure and happy with themselves. People who set out to do stuff, and DID!!<br />
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May the next party be just as glorious!<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-9333946825028362832013-07-18T09:57:00.003-07:002013-07-18T10:00:11.831-07:00The Rolling StoneAh yes, what a tragedy that a national magazine about music, current events and marketed to twenty somethings would have one of the Boston Bombers on the cover.<br />
<br />
Are you kidding? Is this all we can find to talk about?<br />
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If you didn't know, the magazine and newspaper industry are on their way out.<br />
We get FREE NEWS streaming live to every device we carry or wear, therefor, very few of us NEED magazines or newspapers. The whole business is wheezing a death rattle, and if you didn't know that, then you need to read up!<br />
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In order to sell you a copy, they are going to do what it takes to get your attention. And the way most of us walk around in a complete device daze, the bigger the hype, the better!<br />
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How can we live in a society the condemns its own enterprise! We were purists once, and it was only Rock and Roll on the cover..fine. But Brittany Spears half naked on the cover SOLD a lot of copies. Remember that outcry? I do!!!<br />
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Any press is news. People will now buy it for the controversy. <br />
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But I say to all of us.. Its A MAGAZINE...not a school book. Its not depicting anything but common advertising skill, and the way we all stand in outrage of insensitivity to the victims, we have to look at OURSELVES first.<br />
It would not be marketing to our appetite of the gruesome and horrifying if we, as a populace, did not scarf that garbage up in the first place.<br />
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We slow down to look at car accidents and we relish building some one up to take them down.Paula Deen, case in point. We are not nice, or naive..so lets put the blame where it belongs. <br />
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I understand the need of honor and solemnity when it comes to tragedy on a public, mostly innocent scale. I walked to work on the morning of 9/11, and watched the two towers come down.<br />
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I knew some people in there. When Denis Leary put "Rescue Me" on the air a year later.. I was horrified. <br />
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Much to my chagrin, it was a thought provoking, well acted and directed show. But at first, it was still too close.. ouch..SO I DIDNT watch till season two.<br />
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If the magazine offends you, don't buy it. You don't have to.... FREE PRESS...that is what it means.<br />
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We have got to get over ourselves. We created this society. We can change, but we have to look in, and not out.gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-36373556836509246332013-07-16T09:24:00.002-07:002013-07-18T09:24:47.034-07:00Humilityone of my favorite words. Humility is knowing who you are and who you are NOT.<br />
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I know I am a strong woman of character, but Im also a big mush. I know I present an image that can be too aggressive for some in this town (LA), but I've decided to own that persona....play it cool when needed, but try to just be loud obnoxious witty me.<br />
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For many years, I was someone else. Anyone else. The color of the wall paper meant the color I would emote..and I could change patterns right before your eyes. I believe that my acting ability was honed from birth.. merely a projection of me......I was ALWAYS acting. And hopefully in the manner you wanted.<br />
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We need to like who we are; to present that to ourselves, and the world.<br />
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Your true character will bring you happiness. Hiding or blending in takes too much energy. Step away from the crowd, turn up the volume and WAKE UP.<br />
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Don't be like everyone else. Be different. <br />
The sooner you are truthful with yourself, the better you will feel about everything.<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-84714681343518026152013-07-14T09:00:00.000-07:002013-07-14T09:00:03.409-07:00a terrible morningto be sure. I was thinking of trying to post a more positive topic, but to ignore what is going on around us is denial at its worst. Its not just FLORIDA! The world is in pain.<br />
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We have terrible opinions of each other and ourselves. We walk around in fear, and the fear is becoming justified. <br />
There are too many guns, too much hate and not enough empathy. Our diversity as a country should bring us together, but still so many believe that VERY diversity should go away.<br />
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In the world, of course, we use it as an excuse to kill pregnant women and children.<br />
The hardest part to swallow is that in life, there is much of this. <br />
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We all feel bad when we see the horrible stuff reported by the news, but what about all the shit we don't see? DO we know what is going on in Egypt? Syria? Africa? <br />
The world is suffering, and in order to stop inflicting more, we must change ourselves! <br />
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I have to dial down my anger. I have a real problem with BULLIES as I was bullied as a child. I believe that my reaction to the verdict is warranted (I want to find Zimmerman in a dark alley, and I want to beat him to death in front of HIS MOTHER slowly), but how I respond is up to me. How I choose to see this and feel this are up to me.<br />
I can post a humorous pic on FB about 'Dexter' possibly going after Zimmerman, but now I feel bad about that. I think humor is the best defense, but I put out the wrong message. <br />
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Revenge is fruitless. The world has been hacking and cutting bits of itself off due to what was done ....Germany went nuts because of social discourse in the 19th century, so when Hitler showed up, they WANTED what he was selling. German FREEDOM.<br />
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Is that not that what we all want?<br />
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"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. <br />
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And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"<br />
Dr. Martin Luther King 1963<br />
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I was born that year. 50 years ago . I am holding onto this, and not my previous thought.<br />
I will try to look for the light today.<br />
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7/14/13<br />
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gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-78590518578258783112013-07-13T08:25:00.001-07:002013-07-13T10:12:54.197-07:00how to blog with a brain like mineSo I blogged for the first time... Yesterday.<br />
How did I do?<br />
I thought I took a harsh tone on opening day, but at least the message was clear.<br />
I certainly hope that I upset no one with my condemnation of SODA. Just my opinion based on years of study (by myself and others) but I know I cant go after Big soda just yet. <br />
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I can wait. You all can drink that stuff for awhile yet.<br />
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I cant promise these are all going to be pearls. I do this in order to get my voice out there, as it is the new TV, right?<br />
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I myself, am incredibly OUT of the whole internet thing. I should really take a class or something. I have little knowledge of the actual functioning of my own computer, let alone the whole giant universe of cyberspace. I was lucky enough to find myself usually dating a techie or two to help me maneuver thru whatever I was trying to accomplish. My ex husband was a computer savant. <br />
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Yesterday as I joyfully posted my announcement on FB to follow me, I had NO IDEA of how to tell people how to do that!! Its all paint by numbers to me, and my frustration as I bang on my keyboard sometimes comes without warning. <br />
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Patience at my own level of not understanding is the last place on the block that I wander, but its where I need to go. Trying to learn anything new is difficult later in life. I have to accept that my brain likes to KNOW IT ALL and as soon as it get confused, it shuts down like a child. I have to work at that.<br />
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If your brain feels threatened at all, you have to talk it into things. You have to allow it to find its own way sometimes. <br />
DO NOT yell at yourself or be demanding. The messages we send to ourselves are important because they tell us how to live, yes? There is no need to be a tyrant on yourself.<br />
Try to be gentle in your brain. Take it easier on yourself. Smile on the inside.<br />
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Everyday, Im as good as I am. Period.<br />
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Today I am grateful for that.<br />
7/13/13<br />
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<br />gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330284366784258397.post-48170495911138564342013-07-12T09:07:00.003-07:002013-07-12T09:07:21.611-07:00Diet SodaYesterday I posted on FB that some one has finally done the dirty work of calling out soda. <br />
Not just soda (which is so incredibly bad for ALL PARTS OF YOU,) but diet soda.<br />
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I was a fat child and adolescent and ADULT. I was raised on that stuff. Pepsi Light, and Tab and fresca were ALWAYS available. It was the ONE THING I was allowed to consume with impunity. <br />
My mother would line the fridge door with a million flavors of Shasta diet Soda. Diet Tiki Punch and diet root beer, diet orange and grape and strawberry..seriously I remember at least 13 different flavors. SO I drank that stuff. ALOT<br />
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We know now that the sweeteners they PUT in there to make it taste good are #1 bad for your entire digestive track, starting with your TEETH, and ending at your liver. #2 they do nothing to decrease hunger because the gas creates a bloat in your tummy (which will make you eat more LATER!!)<br />
#3 they bloat you so on a physical level, so they don't help there either. #4 If you drink more than 2 cans of that crap a day, if you live on it, like many dieter's BELIEVE they can and should, it will create havoc inside of you, and it doesn't help you be healthy!!! <br />
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Being Healthy is all that matters. Drink Water. Ask any medical professional today, and I bet they will agree. <br />
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We are in love with SODA here in AMERICA. It seemed so harmless, and safe once.<br />
I see parents giving it to their kids and I wince. Sorry, gotta be honest. My children were allowed one a day. Until they all quit!!<br />
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I was lucky enough to convince them all (my once family of a husband and two boys) to drink seltzer and juice. A personal victory on my part. <br />
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Be mindful of what you put in your body, because it matters. <br />
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Because you matter. 7/12/13<br />
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gravity workshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07363142608015936959noreply@blogger.com0