Monday, October 27, 2014

My Sister's Mother died.

That in of itself is an odd sentence. It is also indicative of my family. I come from a multi- marriage family, meaning my sister and I have the same Father but different Mothers. Our Father passed away in 1997. She has a brother that she shares her Mother with, but different Father's, making him no relation to me by blood what so ever. It was his posting I saw on FB about his Mom being in the ICU with a few hours to live. I called my Sister ...Joan had just died.
I dont know  how to feel. I never knew Joan at all. My Father had married her, had my sister, met my mother and divorced Joan  to marry my mother.and eventually have me.. A reason she has to resent me is that apparently before I was born, my Mother went out of her way to be nice to my sister, but after I was born, became frenetic and mean.
I only know what I witnessed.....and yes, I remember My mother and my sister fought a lot. Unfortunately for my sister and I, we had come from a long line of non parentage, so I actually dont remember anyone liking anyone in my family. The adults seemed very sad, or very drunk most of the time.
Fortunately for my sister, I heard that Joan was lovely. It always sounded to me like Joan was everything to My sister that my Mother was not to me. Maybe that is the reason I never wanted to know her, or their relationship.  The relationship with My mother is quite the opposite. We dont like each other very much. Maybe its because we are so much alike, or maybe its because my Mother is a very hard piece of work. She is rude and sullen and also very very funny and charming and a drug addict/alcoholic. She has had a very hard life herself, and after years of waiting for her to be my  Mother, I have let it go..
 Ironically, she called yesterday, and left a voice mail. But I dont like to hear them til the end of the day. It really can bum you out when you get a drunken voice message at 10 am from your mother.
I have learned how to "work" our relationship. I learned how to work all the relationship's I have in my nuclear family. Its the classic dysfunctional  dynamic. When the roller-coaster gets too crazy inside the four walls, you learn how to fake it and just hold on.
I learned what my Mother is capable of, and what she is not capable of. I now know that her not liking me is not personal at all...Its not my fault.  I still play the part of supportive daughter and keep my mouth shut.
But all this has brought that which is missing to light. I cant help my sister because she is in NYC and Im here in LA..I feel so helpless!!  Right now I want to call my Mother and say Im sad ..please take care of me. I know I would not get the support. I am sure she is having a lot of feelings about Joan's death herself, and my Mother puts her feelings above everyone else s.


  When I wish to be there for my Sister, I realize Im also jealous of her. I wish I had a Mom like that.
I guess Im like my Mom. My feelings are coming first right now.
  I would have liked to have known Joan. Im so very sorry Michaela.












Thursday, October 23, 2014

Xui-zen

I started changing my name when I was 10. My name is NOT EVAN ONEILL. That is a stage name. Come on, Guys, it rolls too easily off the tongue to be real.
In actuality, Evan ONeill is the fourth name Ive used in my life. My birth name, the one that used to be on the birth certificate is Susan Etienne Sturhahn. Quite a mouthful. My middle name is french (Et-i-ann) and was all the rage back then.
 Everyone called me Sue, (my parents only used the long version when they were mad.) SUSAN.  I did not like myself as a child AT ALL. SO I hated my name. It sounded boring, and clumsy. Sue...blech. Especially when you compared it to my sisters name, which was Michaela (very popular now but very unique then ).
From the first day of school, there were always multiple Susan's in my class. And at role call,  they had to call out my last name, which NO ONE could pronounce right. Its German. Stur-Hahn. The second h is silent. It trips everyone up. I hated having to correct the teacher, or the snickers that would occur after the teacher would say "SUSAN STER....STEER..STURHA.....?" And of course the Sir-Han Sir-Han jokes were legion.
To this day, I  still call myself a fat kid.  That is how I felt. I felt ugly and disgusting, being fat, and having no will power because I ate too much. I remember diets and food restrictions and my mothers favorite saying, "you're going to be as big as a house one day".  That one is drilled into the brain pattern so well I still believe it at off times.
But the pictures I have of me tell my brain something else. I look chunky but not fat. NOT by any stretch am I fat.  The experience I remember (I have 92 percent recall) is that I was called FAT. I was beat up because they called me fatty. Everyone around me, especially my relatives would always ask how the diet was going.
So Susan, to me, is a fat name. I was FAT SUSAN in my head and on the planet until 6th Grade.
I don't know where I got the idea, or how I grew the balls, but in the second week of school, I walked up to my teacher, Mrs. Rowles, and told her I wanted to have a different name in the role book.
I wanted to be called Anna. No one asked why, no calls to Dad. She simply said ok.
I guess Marin County had something to do with it, as well as 1974....but it was easy. And I got everyone in the class to do it, then everyone in school. Susan was gone and it took less effort than figuring out a math problem. I was some one else! HAZAA.
I was still fat, but at least I was NOT SUSAN.
By Christmas break, I was sick of Anna. I now wanted be called Julie. Mrs Rowles said ok, and  I got to be Julie for two months before Amanda started to sound better. Mrs Rowles said ok.  My 7th grade teacher told me that he was not going to change the role book every three months, so I should find a name I really liked and stick with it. Jaimi (Jamie) Sturhahn became me and I became her.
For the next 8 years until I moved to NYC to start Professional Acting School, I was Jaimi. Or James to many. I only heard the name Susan or Sue in my house from my family and there was little time with family anyhow.
I am still called Jaimi by most of my friends up north. They have offered to call me Evan, but it sounds strange to my ears. I just went to my 30 year HS re-union and some one thought my name was Jes because back then I used my initials at times for variety. I had completely forgotten that one.
When I moved to NYC, I enrolled in Neighborhood Playhouse Summer session. The first day of school, and the teacher calls out Susan Sturhahn. Holy shit balls! Do I have to do this again? DO I want to give a whole boring story? No...quick on my feet, I said "No, that is a misprint. My name is Suzanne." Out with the old, in with the new. I was now Suzanne.
In the beginning it was fine, but to my horror, people started to call me Sue. Not good.
I was gorgeous and thin by now, but inside I still felt insecure. I still felt very imperfect. I knew I was pretty, but I never felt gorgeous.
There is no retouching on this photo. That was me at 21. I was fuckin' GORGEOUS.
But I could not be Sue....so after I got dumped by the one who got away, I became Evan ONeill. Technically the name on my Social is Evan Rachel ONeill. I knew I needed a feminine name in there to avoid casting problems, but when Evan Rachel Wood became famous (Goddamnit, she stole my name, but thank God she is good enough to be worthy of it) I dropped Rachel.
I have been Evan ONeill for 25 years.
Two years ago I took a trip to NYC. I was strolling down a little street in Soho..it was deserted of business' save a lone placard that hung above a door about two thirds down to my right.

X U I - Z E N 
   
  It was printed simply in black on white  wood with a lot of space between the letters.
I started to sound it out in my head. I assumed it was Asian and Im a dumb american so I first sounded it out Shu-zen. But then I corrected myself and said...no..it would be like the word sue...SU-ZEN. ..".Oh...God", I thought to myself, "that is the most beautiful word I have ever heard". and I said it out loud." SU-zen". How perfect sounding. Like a second name for the word beautiful. I started to try and figure out what it could mean and then I literally stopped walking AS IT HIT ME.
SUSAN...That was MY fuckin' name. Spelled differently and hitting my brain from another direction all together it was like hearing music. The name I despised
I didn't like it on other people either, and one of my best friends is Suzy (and the z saves her!) . I even make comments that no one is called Susan any more because it is a fat name. In my mind, the 5 letters put together spell FAT.
All I had to do was replace the letters.  It was an astounding revelation.
SO simple and yet I had jumped and dodged and weaved around a word, that had been beautiful all along. I just couldn't hear it.






Thursday, October 2, 2014

Survivor and shoulders

I love Survivor. I am truly a fan, and have watched almost every season. I was mortified to discover it has been running  20 years...certainly does not seem that long. There is something about reality tv. I know its mainly editing and I know they do a little "stirring" out there, which means they up the drama, but Im glued to my set (and I dont like TV anymore) every wed night. I look forward to it all week.
Back when it started, it was one of the first and one of the few shows that offered a million dollar reward. Today a million dollars does not sound like enough money to endure all the bug bites, rashes,  hunger and rain.  But now it seems like people come on to play, and challenge themselves to their physical limits.All the plotting and scheming also now with all knowledge of immunity idols, flint for fire, sharing of clues and info...almost its own little culture...wow
 This year, "blood vs Water"  has gotten me a little bothered. Pitting family against each other...for ratings and  uncomfortable moments of shame. But Im still watching...one of my guilty pleasures I guess. It is a least a little better than brains, brawn and beauty. That format was a  offensive.

Last night, big Burly John Rocker (ex baseball player) goes up against his gorgeous big titted girlfriend in a challenge that required balancing a ball on a plate while walking through an obstacle course.
She is smaller so she had that advantage BUT every time Rocker had to lower his body to pass under a bar, he would raise his shoulders, and therefore drop the ball. He dropped it three times while his girlfriend went straight through.
She has a body to die for, so Im sure she does some sort of core work, and it showed. With great body stability and control, she could move herself  under bars and over stairs while keeping her arm completely still.

You could see the frustration on the big athletes face as he seemed dumbfounded of why he could not steady his arm under that bar... he seemed to maneuver the first part fine..and then  whoops...
 She won the challenge easily, and when Jeff Probst  asked was she surprised, she said yes. He was always more able to do things than her. Evan she did not know how physically disconnected her man really was.
It is what is wrong with BIG MUSCLE FITNESS. It is about a professional athlete NOT knowing how to MOVE his body with control or awareness.

It is time to see fitness and strength training as conveyors of life movement and ability, not a hindrance.
Please be mindful of ALL your movements, and be gentle on the joints.
Im going to be interested to see if this big guy sticks around. Many challenges on Survivor are about Brut strength, but many are about finesse. He has none.
 It was also revealed last night why this guy is NOT playing baseball anymore, (cuz he said something stupid) and so he is not looking like such a good guy. I think his days are numbered.

 Life should be functionally easy, meaning your body should carry you into your later years with grace and joy.
Put the big weights down. Big muscles sink in the pool. Stop watching yourself in the gym and feel something.
Your body will thank you.
And so will I.