Wednesday, March 2, 2016

my sister

My sister died on August 29th... on her death certificate it reads September 1st, 2015.
For the record, my world shifted the moment she died. 10 pm EST time 7 pm PST, full moon, saturday night . I went crazy for the few days following that exact second and I did things that were not only destructive to my body but could have destroyed what little reputation and credibility  I have left in the world.
Something in my heart shifted to a self destructive place at that horrific moment, and I did not know why for three strange days.  I only knew I wanted to die myself.
When I did receive the FB message that she was dead Tuesday, Sept 1st, it all made sense, in a really awful way.
I have been wandering in a daze now for the past 6 months. So many details to deal with her death that I was finally sent into a tailspin, going at 200 mpg until my body gave out last week. I got the flu for the first time in 6 years. I mean, really sick, where everything seems underwater when you're vertical, but horizontal, its like a bad acid trip, or worse,  puking up and down the stairs.

She was really my only family even though she was only my "half" sister.  My family dynamic has always been tricky, so trying to describe my sister and I's relationship is not sweet. If I were to try to explain all the different parts and relatives involved, you would need a flow chart. I will keep it to just us.
As a child, she tortured me, being terribly jealous.  I spent my childhood fearing her, hating her and idolizing her . I think that to be about the most normal of what we were to each other. She also stole a lot, lied a lot, and could eat whatever she wanted in huge amounts and never gain a pound. This, to a fat kid, was the cruelest joke of all.

My sister influenced my opinion on music, my sister taught me how to drive at the age of 12. She taught me how to look at art, as she could turn trash into treasure. My sister taught me how to roll a joint. She taught me how to be patient and listen (because I had to) and she also embarrassed me  at parties and drove me crazy and locked me out of my own house and was a giant pain in the ass.

Yesterday was FEB 29. Leap year, and I thought it ironic and karmic at the same time. This year there was a six month anniversary. I didn't know how to feel so I just went to work. I came home still woozy  from the flu and decided to watch the Spike Lee movie about Michael Jackson..
One of the things we used to do as children was dance to songs. We would choreograph routines to The chilites, Diana Ross and the supremes and of course, The Jackson 5.
The movie was so well done. It had amazing footage from when the group was just starting out, and I was always such a huge fan cuz Michael was my age. It was almost like I grew up with him and the movie was a joyful experience of his music and dance. It also reminded me of the limitless joy that my sister had. The fearless but fragile wanting to acquire as much knowledge as possible about everything .  I mean everything.
One of the the worst parts of this process is going thru all her stuff, and realizing I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. She had notes and clippings about recipes and self help books and addresses...
This whole process involving lawyers and police and a really icky alternate party that keeps trying to hurt me, because they hurt so much themselves has made this part of my life a really sad time, until I saw this movie.
Im up and dancing and not really sad until the end when they start talking about how he is still so missed..and what an amazing talent he was, and how lucky we are to have all the footage so we can still see him whenever we want.
The very last shot of the movie was footage of his birthday party in Brooklyn in 2009. Thousands of people dancing and celebrating.  Then they flashed the date, August 29.

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