In 2003, I was visiting my future husbands family at a community lake. We were in south Jersey, where he was from, and the the topic of 9/11 came up.
It may have been the first time I talked to some one who's opinion was different from mine, or it may have been the fact that my future sister in law was telling me how she and her husband laughed because the news reports were so stupid in the early accounts of what was happening. She laughed as 2000 plus people died. I felt so angered that any one could laugh (and suddenly horrified at where I was heading!)
I was in Manhattan on 9/11. I was supposed to work that day. I tried to walk downtown as everyone was walking up Eigth avenue. It was the most scary and awe inspiring day of my life. I saw amazing acts of courage, and humility that day and following week. New Yorkers came together.
And Ive just read the last piece of evidence that completely solidifies my belief that our Government planned and perpetrated the whole thing.
My last 12 years have been about gravity and its properties. My life has also been about living in absolute truth and trying to only bring love and joy to those I meet.
I have had to let go of some very important people in my life because of the negative and selfish energy that I no longer tolerate in any form.
When I first heard the theory, I too could not believe we were capable of killing our own to get something. I knew we killed hundreds of thousands of "others" around the world (with very little evidence left behind) but because Im a bit of a bigot..working on it PEEPS... I didn't see who we really are.
I knew about the supporting of the Nazis and the involvement in all conflict starting over in Asia in the past century, but I could not believe this one.
And then I saw a documentary...and it had slowed down the images and you can see the charges going off. I have a picture that a friend of mine took from the Brooklyn Bridge that he did not publicly sell (I believe) and you can see in this photo as well....things projecting out as the building goes down...but nothing moves in two directions unless there are two different forces simultaneously at work..
The amount of innocence lost and injustice that continues to prevail as we massacar in the name of Global peace is disgusting. The estimates of drone deaths to date (as of Feb 2015) are 2500 but we have to assume these numbers to be low so as not to freak us out.
Lest we forget the American teenage son of a suspected terrorist who was killed with 5 of his friends as they sat eating an an outdoor cafe. This kid was born and raised an american ....had gone to look for his Dad, but had not found him ...two weeks after WE found and killed his father, we did the same to him.
Its called a kill list. And our government is still perfecting the METHODS with which we put someone on the list and how fast before we act on taking them out. Based on computer data and scientific efforts, we are also saying globally that our war (?) on Terrorism will last at least into the next decade.
Who the hell do we think we are? Im sure in the beginning of the Industrial Revolution when we realized we were going to be the new super power of the world, we thought about the good we could do, and lives we could now save with all out resource and riches. But it got twisted some where.
Capitalism. As soon as someone realized you could sell crap, and then make money off those that bought the crap, a new age in feeding off each other and competition have ruined the idea of community, both where I live now, and where I grew up.
As we head into yet another circus of election, I can only stand and gawk at what is now accepted as truth, and/or rhetoric that is supposedly "democratic".
Democratic to me means that WE the people elect into office those whom reflect OUR views.
What Ive seen happening in this country makes me furious and disgusted at the same time, because I believe we once truly did STAND for something.
We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal.
What the fuck has happened to that?
So yeah US...Happy Birthday America.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
my sister
My sister died on August 29th... on her death certificate it reads September 1st, 2015.
For the record, my world shifted the moment she died. 10 pm EST time 7 pm PST, full moon, saturday night . I went crazy for the few days following that exact second and I did things that were not only destructive to my body but could have destroyed what little reputation and credibility I have left in the world.
Something in my heart shifted to a self destructive place at that horrific moment, and I did not know why for three strange days. I only knew I wanted to die myself.
When I did receive the FB message that she was dead Tuesday, Sept 1st, it all made sense, in a really awful way.
I have been wandering in a daze now for the past 6 months. So many details to deal with her death that I was finally sent into a tailspin, going at 200 mpg until my body gave out last week. I got the flu for the first time in 6 years. I mean, really sick, where everything seems underwater when you're vertical, but horizontal, its like a bad acid trip, or worse, puking up and down the stairs.
She was really my only family even though she was only my "half" sister. My family dynamic has always been tricky, so trying to describe my sister and I's relationship is not sweet. If I were to try to explain all the different parts and relatives involved, you would need a flow chart. I will keep it to just us.
As a child, she tortured me, being terribly jealous. I spent my childhood fearing her, hating her and idolizing her . I think that to be about the most normal of what we were to each other. She also stole a lot, lied a lot, and could eat whatever she wanted in huge amounts and never gain a pound. This, to a fat kid, was the cruelest joke of all.
My sister influenced my opinion on music, my sister taught me how to drive at the age of 12. She taught me how to look at art, as she could turn trash into treasure. My sister taught me how to roll a joint. She taught me how to be patient and listen (because I had to) and she also embarrassed me at parties and drove me crazy and locked me out of my own house and was a giant pain in the ass.
Yesterday was FEB 29. Leap year, and I thought it ironic and karmic at the same time. This year there was a six month anniversary. I didn't know how to feel so I just went to work. I came home still woozy from the flu and decided to watch the Spike Lee movie about Michael Jackson..
One of the things we used to do as children was dance to songs. We would choreograph routines to The chilites, Diana Ross and the supremes and of course, The Jackson 5.
The movie was so well done. It had amazing footage from when the group was just starting out, and I was always such a huge fan cuz Michael was my age. It was almost like I grew up with him and the movie was a joyful experience of his music and dance. It also reminded me of the limitless joy that my sister had. The fearless but fragile wanting to acquire as much knowledge as possible about everything . I mean everything.
One of the the worst parts of this process is going thru all her stuff, and realizing I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. She had notes and clippings about recipes and self help books and addresses...
This whole process involving lawyers and police and a really icky alternate party that keeps trying to hurt me, because they hurt so much themselves has made this part of my life a really sad time, until I saw this movie.
Im up and dancing and not really sad until the end when they start talking about how he is still so missed..and what an amazing talent he was, and how lucky we are to have all the footage so we can still see him whenever we want.
The very last shot of the movie was footage of his birthday party in Brooklyn in 2009. Thousands of people dancing and celebrating. Then they flashed the date, August 29.
For the record, my world shifted the moment she died. 10 pm EST time 7 pm PST, full moon, saturday night . I went crazy for the few days following that exact second and I did things that were not only destructive to my body but could have destroyed what little reputation and credibility I have left in the world.
Something in my heart shifted to a self destructive place at that horrific moment, and I did not know why for three strange days. I only knew I wanted to die myself.
When I did receive the FB message that she was dead Tuesday, Sept 1st, it all made sense, in a really awful way.
I have been wandering in a daze now for the past 6 months. So many details to deal with her death that I was finally sent into a tailspin, going at 200 mpg until my body gave out last week. I got the flu for the first time in 6 years. I mean, really sick, where everything seems underwater when you're vertical, but horizontal, its like a bad acid trip, or worse, puking up and down the stairs.
She was really my only family even though she was only my "half" sister. My family dynamic has always been tricky, so trying to describe my sister and I's relationship is not sweet. If I were to try to explain all the different parts and relatives involved, you would need a flow chart. I will keep it to just us.
As a child, she tortured me, being terribly jealous. I spent my childhood fearing her, hating her and idolizing her . I think that to be about the most normal of what we were to each other. She also stole a lot, lied a lot, and could eat whatever she wanted in huge amounts and never gain a pound. This, to a fat kid, was the cruelest joke of all.
My sister influenced my opinion on music, my sister taught me how to drive at the age of 12. She taught me how to look at art, as she could turn trash into treasure. My sister taught me how to roll a joint. She taught me how to be patient and listen (because I had to) and she also embarrassed me at parties and drove me crazy and locked me out of my own house and was a giant pain in the ass.
Yesterday was FEB 29. Leap year, and I thought it ironic and karmic at the same time. This year there was a six month anniversary. I didn't know how to feel so I just went to work. I came home still woozy from the flu and decided to watch the Spike Lee movie about Michael Jackson..
One of the things we used to do as children was dance to songs. We would choreograph routines to The chilites, Diana Ross and the supremes and of course, The Jackson 5.
The movie was so well done. It had amazing footage from when the group was just starting out, and I was always such a huge fan cuz Michael was my age. It was almost like I grew up with him and the movie was a joyful experience of his music and dance. It also reminded me of the limitless joy that my sister had. The fearless but fragile wanting to acquire as much knowledge as possible about everything . I mean everything.
One of the the worst parts of this process is going thru all her stuff, and realizing I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. She had notes and clippings about recipes and self help books and addresses...
This whole process involving lawyers and police and a really icky alternate party that keeps trying to hurt me, because they hurt so much themselves has made this part of my life a really sad time, until I saw this movie.
Im up and dancing and not really sad until the end when they start talking about how he is still so missed..and what an amazing talent he was, and how lucky we are to have all the footage so we can still see him whenever we want.
The very last shot of the movie was footage of his birthday party in Brooklyn in 2009. Thousands of people dancing and celebrating. Then they flashed the date, August 29.
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