36 hours later, Im at the urgent vet care center with that decision that all pet owners fear and dread.
Massive bleeding in her belly from unidentified mass, probably cancer. She is in pain. Surgery and follow up Im told could cost me $10,000.00 which I HAVE, BUT she will probably be in even worse pain post op, and then with treatments and Dr visit's which she HATES...Im left with a Sophies choice decision. Put her down to save her pain, or keep her alive to save me pain. I took the first road for her as the medication put her into a coma and then stopped her heart.
Im a long term pet owner. I have had animals since I was 6. My first cat Tigger, lived to be 14, my next Malcolm, 21. Ive had to take care of my Dads dog while he was sick, and after he died for about 7 months. I left Cody on a ranch in Arizona, where she became the alpha dog til she passed in 1999.
This is a far greater hole in my heart, I know that. This dog was my soulmate.
I used to joke and tell people that this dog held my happiness for me, so I COULD BE A BITCH and get stuff done. I definitely feel like all my happiness is gone.
My ex husband and I got this dog to save our marriage. Bad idea. She ended up being the last straw in the camels back. And my horrifying husband at the time would threaten me with "you know when you leave, you aren't taking the dog" even though she only listened to me and followed me around the house.
One horrible Saturday 13 years ago, I took my step kids to see my cousins, and then on the way home dropped the kids off at the grandparents house.
I came home to find a very quiet house. Normally, Maisy would come bounding down the stairs, but no. I call her. Nothing. I go upstairs and find her in her crate, but she won't come out. I pull out her dog bed and see a small hole in her right sight. She has been shot.
I call emergency vet in New jersey and go racing up the turnpike at 12 45 am. I carry her into the vet screaming "she's been shot, please help me!" (my husband was in Sterling, Va, where he worked)
They stabilize her but dont have the equipment for the surgery to save her, so they send me back down the turnpike to Philly.
The waiting room of that facility was surreal. One family with a very thick South Jersy accent was complaining about their dog had gone and eaten the rat poison AGAIN, because the morons put it down in the same place twice...WOW.
The vet bill totaled $6,000.00. Gary refused to pay it at first. That was right before I left.
Last night the waiting room in Rohnert park was just the opposite. Calm owners talking to each other, a lovely pit bull who kept slobbering on me cuz he could feel my distress.
But that was all before I knew. Before the choice and final awful decision and then procedure.
Unlike the 13 years previous, she was still walking when they brought her into that low lit room.
She obviously still wanted to head home, and for the first time, I had to say"we are not going home, we need to stay here for a bit." They left me with her for a few minutes. she had her little IV in her front paw. I made her lay down and did a wide second on the floor and just covered my body onto hers, telling her how grateful I was. How sorry I was. How much she helped me live better. That she was the best dog in the world and I was trying to make the pain go away.
Then the Dr came in and explained how it would go. It was only painful for me, as she was asleep first and snoring.
Sometimes at night, I couldn't sleep, and would listen to her snore, and it gave me so much peace.
Then the snoring stopped. And she was quiet. They left me alone with her a few more moments as I heaved and wailed over her round body that still felt alive to me.
When they came back to take her away I was fine until they moved her, and I saw how limp she was, and I fled.
In the car, I waited a few moments before driving home. I got home. I emailed my mother. I tried to watch TV but gave up. Went to bad. No clicking feet following me into my room. I wake up in the middle of the night. No snoring. I woke up this morning and no dog face in mine, telling me to get up.
How do you go on after this? I had to leave my step children, but I knew they were safe. I wish I knew Maisy was safe. I have to believe she is a free spirit now. But she hates to be away from me more than any codependent dog I know.
Ending this post with grace is above my pay grade today. #hollow
