Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Gravity. Your brains on Gravity. any questions?

Gravity. The force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth.

This is the Dictionary's definition (although not Websters).
Its pretty much what keeps your butt in the chair and the planet in alignment with the sun.
Its what moves us and holds us, but has almost been completely neglected in terms of its connection to the body or physical fitness.
If gravity is the governing force behind how we move, then why do we never consider it?
 How little we DO consider it (especially in exercise where we need it most) is the problem Im trying to address, I want to focus on our level of disconnect and lack of awareness in every day function.

I have been a physical person my whole life, not necessarily because I enjoyed it but because Im a body type that needs to exercise to not gain weight. Swimming, riding, skiing, diving, gymnastics.
 Finally dance. Hurling, twisting, moving my body against or with something in order to incur the system to get stronger. But I never considered the damage I was doing to the system (me!).
Then I became a stunt person.
 In stunt work, its all about gravity. Its about the condition/shape of the car and what the road surface is. Its also about your tires. Your "Gravity contact point ". Your greatest ally in controlling your vehicle exactly where you want it to go is your tires. In stunt work, its not about crashing into things, but moving with precision. Controlled Chaos.
Your own movement in life is the same. You dont want to crash into things. You want to move yourself with grace and control. You want to know where your foot is in relationship to the corner of the door so you dont stub your toe. Proprioception ..the knowledge of your body in relationship to itself as well as the space around it.

Here is the second half. Your BRAIN. Again really important in how you move, and again, generally overlooked.
Because of how we learn to walk, without focus but instead with complete reliance on the CNS (central nervous system) we dont know HOW we move, we just DO IT. You can watch some one do something and most of us can replicate simple movements, or we get taught, like riding a bicycle.
Think back when you first learned to ride a bike. It seemed impossible not to wobble  but then suddenly you just knew. Some how it clicked and all of a sudden the CNS took over and your body moved automatically with ease and little focus. and every time you get on the bike now, you just know. MUSCLE MEMORY. Stored in your brain and your body remembers.
BUT as you age, the brain (like the rest of the body) starts to work less. It is not as sharp or efficient as before. Muscle memory is not as clear, and sometimes the brain forgets to trigger the automatic movement and you can fall down. Many people have their knees give out because the brain forgets lock it when it put the foot down and thats it, You crash to the floor. BAM. It happens a lot.
Not to me. I have not fallen down in almost 6 years, and my dog has tried. In fact the one time I impressed my mother was when the dog tried to pull me into a creek bed chasing a rabbit, and I just stood there like a tree, my gravity center too engaged, even at a moment when I was not prepared, to be pulled over or down.

I have trained myself to be aware of my body in life through Pilates. I DO know how I move and what muscles I need to stand tall. Joe Pilates' main focus in his books is about LIFE MOVEMENTS....not simply about exercise. Its gotten a little blurry for some who see Pilates as just another form of exercise.
Its a way of living.
I want you to to think of how you move. Lets start with the basics. Just try to feel how you move around and if you can remember, notice how others around you move. Can you see tightness or the need to swing anything?
If we would only train ourselves to walk properly and move from the center all the time, with our core working, we would be a much happier people with less need for doctors and an ability to walk tall and lightly where ever life takes us.
 Walk from your ribcage, not from your shoulders or hips.
Try not to swing your arms. Walk over the first and second toe, then the middle of your foot, not the sides.
Avoid momentum and heave in daily activities (if you can) and control your body. Pay attention to the little things and try to feel your life.

Theses are all first steps in developing a Pilates Mind. Your mind will bring your body back to life!
I PROMISE!


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Monday, October 27, 2014

My Sister's Mother died.

That in of itself is an odd sentence. It is also indicative of my family. I come from a multi- marriage family, meaning my sister and I have the same Father but different Mothers. Our Father passed away in 1997. She has a brother that she shares her Mother with, but different Father's, making him no relation to me by blood what so ever. It was his posting I saw on FB about his Mom being in the ICU with a few hours to live. I called my Sister ...Joan had just died.
I dont know  how to feel. I never knew Joan at all. My Father had married her, had my sister, met my mother and divorced Joan  to marry my mother.and eventually have me.. A reason she has to resent me is that apparently before I was born, my Mother went out of her way to be nice to my sister, but after I was born, became frenetic and mean.
I only know what I witnessed.....and yes, I remember My mother and my sister fought a lot. Unfortunately for my sister and I, we had come from a long line of non parentage, so I actually dont remember anyone liking anyone in my family. The adults seemed very sad, or very drunk most of the time.
Fortunately for my sister, I heard that Joan was lovely. It always sounded to me like Joan was everything to My sister that my Mother was not to me. Maybe that is the reason I never wanted to know her, or their relationship.  The relationship with My mother is quite the opposite. We dont like each other very much. Maybe its because we are so much alike, or maybe its because my Mother is a very hard piece of work. She is rude and sullen and also very very funny and charming and a drug addict/alcoholic. She has had a very hard life herself, and after years of waiting for her to be my  Mother, I have let it go..
 Ironically, she called yesterday, and left a voice mail. But I dont like to hear them til the end of the day. It really can bum you out when you get a drunken voice message at 10 am from your mother.
I have learned how to "work" our relationship. I learned how to work all the relationship's I have in my nuclear family. Its the classic dysfunctional  dynamic. When the roller-coaster gets too crazy inside the four walls, you learn how to fake it and just hold on.
I learned what my Mother is capable of, and what she is not capable of. I now know that her not liking me is not personal at all...Its not my fault.  I still play the part of supportive daughter and keep my mouth shut.
But all this has brought that which is missing to light. I cant help my sister because she is in NYC and Im here in LA..I feel so helpless!!  Right now I want to call my Mother and say Im sad ..please take care of me. I know I would not get the support. I am sure she is having a lot of feelings about Joan's death herself, and my Mother puts her feelings above everyone else s.


  When I wish to be there for my Sister, I realize Im also jealous of her. I wish I had a Mom like that.
I guess Im like my Mom. My feelings are coming first right now.
  I would have liked to have known Joan. Im so very sorry Michaela.












Thursday, October 23, 2014

Xui-zen

I started changing my name when I was 10. My name is NOT EVAN ONEILL. That is a stage name. Come on, Guys, it rolls too easily off the tongue to be real.
In actuality, Evan ONeill is the fourth name Ive used in my life. My birth name, the one that used to be on the birth certificate is Susan Etienne Sturhahn. Quite a mouthful. My middle name is french (Et-i-ann) and was all the rage back then.
 Everyone called me Sue, (my parents only used the long version when they were mad.) SUSAN.  I did not like myself as a child AT ALL. SO I hated my name. It sounded boring, and clumsy. Sue...blech. Especially when you compared it to my sisters name, which was Michaela (very popular now but very unique then ).
From the first day of school, there were always multiple Susan's in my class. And at role call,  they had to call out my last name, which NO ONE could pronounce right. Its German. Stur-Hahn. The second h is silent. It trips everyone up. I hated having to correct the teacher, or the snickers that would occur after the teacher would say "SUSAN STER....STEER..STURHA.....?" And of course the Sir-Han Sir-Han jokes were legion.
To this day, I  still call myself a fat kid.  That is how I felt. I felt ugly and disgusting, being fat, and having no will power because I ate too much. I remember diets and food restrictions and my mothers favorite saying, "you're going to be as big as a house one day".  That one is drilled into the brain pattern so well I still believe it at off times.
But the pictures I have of me tell my brain something else. I look chunky but not fat. NOT by any stretch am I fat.  The experience I remember (I have 92 percent recall) is that I was called FAT. I was beat up because they called me fatty. Everyone around me, especially my relatives would always ask how the diet was going.
So Susan, to me, is a fat name. I was FAT SUSAN in my head and on the planet until 6th Grade.
I don't know where I got the idea, or how I grew the balls, but in the second week of school, I walked up to my teacher, Mrs. Rowles, and told her I wanted to have a different name in the role book.
I wanted to be called Anna. No one asked why, no calls to Dad. She simply said ok.
I guess Marin County had something to do with it, as well as 1974....but it was easy. And I got everyone in the class to do it, then everyone in school. Susan was gone and it took less effort than figuring out a math problem. I was some one else! HAZAA.
I was still fat, but at least I was NOT SUSAN.
By Christmas break, I was sick of Anna. I now wanted be called Julie. Mrs Rowles said ok, and  I got to be Julie for two months before Amanda started to sound better. Mrs Rowles said ok.  My 7th grade teacher told me that he was not going to change the role book every three months, so I should find a name I really liked and stick with it. Jaimi (Jamie) Sturhahn became me and I became her.
For the next 8 years until I moved to NYC to start Professional Acting School, I was Jaimi. Or James to many. I only heard the name Susan or Sue in my house from my family and there was little time with family anyhow.
I am still called Jaimi by most of my friends up north. They have offered to call me Evan, but it sounds strange to my ears. I just went to my 30 year HS re-union and some one thought my name was Jes because back then I used my initials at times for variety. I had completely forgotten that one.
When I moved to NYC, I enrolled in Neighborhood Playhouse Summer session. The first day of school, and the teacher calls out Susan Sturhahn. Holy shit balls! Do I have to do this again? DO I want to give a whole boring story? No...quick on my feet, I said "No, that is a misprint. My name is Suzanne." Out with the old, in with the new. I was now Suzanne.
In the beginning it was fine, but to my horror, people started to call me Sue. Not good.
I was gorgeous and thin by now, but inside I still felt insecure. I still felt very imperfect. I knew I was pretty, but I never felt gorgeous.
There is no retouching on this photo. That was me at 21. I was fuckin' GORGEOUS.
But I could not be Sue....so after I got dumped by the one who got away, I became Evan ONeill. Technically the name on my Social is Evan Rachel ONeill. I knew I needed a feminine name in there to avoid casting problems, but when Evan Rachel Wood became famous (Goddamnit, she stole my name, but thank God she is good enough to be worthy of it) I dropped Rachel.
I have been Evan ONeill for 25 years.
Two years ago I took a trip to NYC. I was strolling down a little street in Soho..it was deserted of business' save a lone placard that hung above a door about two thirds down to my right.

X U I - Z E N 
   
  It was printed simply in black on white  wood with a lot of space between the letters.
I started to sound it out in my head. I assumed it was Asian and Im a dumb american so I first sounded it out Shu-zen. But then I corrected myself and said...no..it would be like the word sue...SU-ZEN. ..".Oh...God", I thought to myself, "that is the most beautiful word I have ever heard". and I said it out loud." SU-zen". How perfect sounding. Like a second name for the word beautiful. I started to try and figure out what it could mean and then I literally stopped walking AS IT HIT ME.
SUSAN...That was MY fuckin' name. Spelled differently and hitting my brain from another direction all together it was like hearing music. The name I despised
I didn't like it on other people either, and one of my best friends is Suzy (and the z saves her!) . I even make comments that no one is called Susan any more because it is a fat name. In my mind, the 5 letters put together spell FAT.
All I had to do was replace the letters.  It was an astounding revelation.
SO simple and yet I had jumped and dodged and weaved around a word, that had been beautiful all along. I just couldn't hear it.






Thursday, October 2, 2014

Survivor and shoulders

I love Survivor. I am truly a fan, and have watched almost every season. I was mortified to discover it has been running  20 years...certainly does not seem that long. There is something about reality tv. I know its mainly editing and I know they do a little "stirring" out there, which means they up the drama, but Im glued to my set (and I dont like TV anymore) every wed night. I look forward to it all week.
Back when it started, it was one of the first and one of the few shows that offered a million dollar reward. Today a million dollars does not sound like enough money to endure all the bug bites, rashes,  hunger and rain.  But now it seems like people come on to play, and challenge themselves to their physical limits.All the plotting and scheming also now with all knowledge of immunity idols, flint for fire, sharing of clues and info...almost its own little culture...wow
 This year, "blood vs Water"  has gotten me a little bothered. Pitting family against each other...for ratings and  uncomfortable moments of shame. But Im still watching...one of my guilty pleasures I guess. It is a least a little better than brains, brawn and beauty. That format was a  offensive.

Last night, big Burly John Rocker (ex baseball player) goes up against his gorgeous big titted girlfriend in a challenge that required balancing a ball on a plate while walking through an obstacle course.
She is smaller so she had that advantage BUT every time Rocker had to lower his body to pass under a bar, he would raise his shoulders, and therefore drop the ball. He dropped it three times while his girlfriend went straight through.
She has a body to die for, so Im sure she does some sort of core work, and it showed. With great body stability and control, she could move herself  under bars and over stairs while keeping her arm completely still.

You could see the frustration on the big athletes face as he seemed dumbfounded of why he could not steady his arm under that bar... he seemed to maneuver the first part fine..and then  whoops...
 She won the challenge easily, and when Jeff Probst  asked was she surprised, she said yes. He was always more able to do things than her. Evan she did not know how physically disconnected her man really was.
It is what is wrong with BIG MUSCLE FITNESS. It is about a professional athlete NOT knowing how to MOVE his body with control or awareness.

It is time to see fitness and strength training as conveyors of life movement and ability, not a hindrance.
Please be mindful of ALL your movements, and be gentle on the joints.
Im going to be interested to see if this big guy sticks around. Many challenges on Survivor are about Brut strength, but many are about finesse. He has none.
 It was also revealed last night why this guy is NOT playing baseball anymore, (cuz he said something stupid) and so he is not looking like such a good guy. I think his days are numbered.

 Life should be functionally easy, meaning your body should carry you into your later years with grace and joy.
Put the big weights down. Big muscles sink in the pool. Stop watching yourself in the gym and feel something.
Your body will thank you.
And so will I.



Friday, September 19, 2014

public gyms

....National or local chains...I have seen very few that encourage proper form or movement control/awareness.

I could go crazy on all the crap I see happening. I go in there to get a little cardio, and its like walking into a torture chamber. No one seems to know what they are doing, or why. No one seems to have the current CORRECT information on how the body works. With all the info you can now get on your phones these days, Im shocked and amazed. But instead of bitching, Im going to do something.

Im starting a web series in October, but Im  also going to be posting exercises, stretches and modifications here as well.
 Everyone should live pain and stress free and still have all the bells and whistles they want. Balance is key. But lets start with the basics  Here are some  rules if you want to work out in these places, or anywhere for that matter.

Rule #1
 If you don't know what you're doing ASK for help. Get a trainer, or read a book. Working out is not simple science. Most people work too much in their back and shoulders. That means they originate movement from joint lines, and not muscle groups. If you put strain on the joints, you wear them out. The joint lines are really important to stability in the body as it ages
(Trainers that work for gyms are under-payed...take their input with a grain of salt. They are told to confuse or overwork the client. To keep the client coming back needing more, but knowing the likely hood of returns is LOW)

Rule #2
Proper foot ware and floor surface.
Change out your sneakers every three to six months. Your shoes develop imprints and keep you walking (or exercising) in dis alignment.
 Beware of  doing impact or cardio on carpet. Many places have carpet to cover cement. You don't want to exercise on cement. Try to find wood floors.
(I gotta say right here and now, with all the DIRT we have in LA, why people would run on cement is ludicrous.  Running is good for the heart but kinda bad for knees and ankles, and hips. Lots of impact over time puts stress on already STRESSED muscles and tendons. )
 at the other end, some doctors frown on running on the beach because it does not give enough support or resistance. you're overtaxing your hamstring as well as your Achilles.
 RUN ON DIRT, Careful down hill.(also bad for your knees)

Rule #3 The three tiers of movement.
What are you doing (endurance, strength,flexibility, upright, horizontal or seated)
How are you doing it (slow or fast, with experience or correction (coaching)
Where are you doing it (outside, inside, stable or unstable surface)

we know that the body will work harder if it feels unstable, because its natural instinct is to provide foundation. That is what is great about Bosu and Balance balls. The body is working against itself as well as the exercise.
 HERE"S THE BEEF! You must allow the body at least level of stability, or it will probably hurt itself. Some of us like two levels of instability, but you never want three.

That is why spinning is so effective..you're on a stationary bike, so your ability to push is greater than if you were on the street and had to pay attention to lots of other things (road surface, traffic, pedestrians, etc) and your seated...so the core is more supported  allowing the legs to burn more.
Step class on bosu is stupid. all three levels going..you're working really hard upright, you re stepping on and off an unstable, un even surface (knees and ankles) and your moving FAST which will keep you focused on completion of movement, not form.

Two levels of instability...thats it...otherwise you will take yourself down. Once you stop exercising, its hard to start again.
Remember that your brain is in control of all movement, that is why muscle awareness and control  are so key to getting the results you want!


Thursday, September 18, 2014

Coming out

I guess its time to get real. Get really real. Cuz its crunch time.
When you're scraping along the bottom, and you come up way short in your take out order, you can either blame the idiot behind the window, or yourself for going out for fast food in the first place..

For what has happened to my life, I cant allow the anger to consume me. A relationship is what I was seeking, Satan showed up. I have to forgive Satan.

Its been a year since I blogged....shame and denial.

 All the work and effort to build something substantial, gone in a single stroke. I had a nice apartment, a job that was getting good, and we even move to BEL AIRE to an apt with a pool!Then the cops were called. I was escorted out. Domestic violence. Holy shit on Sunday.
 I want to blame him. His anger, his alcohol, his mayhem. But I was there, and my overly active and honest brain will not allow me to play the innocent in all this. My anger, my alcohol, my mayhem had some digs in the grave as well.


 I had the chance to steer the ship away, but like the Titanic, I struck the iceberg because I had given up all my power in a vain attempt to keep bailing water out.. We had been sinking almost from the beginning
 There were two distinct  moments when I took a step and a breath away from him to see the scary clown present. To really look at what a cowardly lion he was. I had that moment, took that second before I let him back the first time we had a fight to consider what could happen. I made the wrong choice. I had no idea what ship I was on!
Now its time to expose the soft naked underbelly of myself and take account on what I DID.
The scenarios that I play over and over in head about what HE DID, what WE could have done, or where I was last year to where I am now? Doesn't matter.
What is owed me, or what I have actually lost is still coming to light. Doesn't matter.
 How I feel about myself NOW,  my circumstances now is what is at hand. That is what needs to be addressed, publicly for that matter, so I'm bringing myself OUT of the closet.
I was in an abusive relationship.  I stayed because I was afraid of being alone and broke..
He is away from me, he does not know where I am. He continues to call with promises of change and money and a happy future. He says he cant live without me, and that he may return east.

I saw his pretty face and pretty dick and thought this is for me.I saw what I wanted and I let the rest fall away. we looked good together so I was too busy dancing in the light to see the bulb needed to be changed. The faster I danced the worse it got.  I forgot who I was. Then the bulb blew.
In the dark, I can see the light.

It doesn't matter what it looks like, duh
.
SO I'm starting back at the beginning, to take baby steps .and...isn't it funny, I didn't even like him that much. I'm just a drama addict with a side helping spoiledbrat#self-obsessed= hot-mess.