Monday, October 27, 2014

My Sister's Mother died.

That in of itself is an odd sentence. It is also indicative of my family. I come from a multi- marriage family, meaning my sister and I have the same Father but different Mothers. Our Father passed away in 1997. She has a brother that she shares her Mother with, but different Father's, making him no relation to me by blood what so ever. It was his posting I saw on FB about his Mom being in the ICU with a few hours to live. I called my Sister ...Joan had just died.
I dont know  how to feel. I never knew Joan at all. My Father had married her, had my sister, met my mother and divorced Joan  to marry my mother.and eventually have me.. A reason she has to resent me is that apparently before I was born, my Mother went out of her way to be nice to my sister, but after I was born, became frenetic and mean.
I only know what I witnessed.....and yes, I remember My mother and my sister fought a lot. Unfortunately for my sister and I, we had come from a long line of non parentage, so I actually dont remember anyone liking anyone in my family. The adults seemed very sad, or very drunk most of the time.
Fortunately for my sister, I heard that Joan was lovely. It always sounded to me like Joan was everything to My sister that my Mother was not to me. Maybe that is the reason I never wanted to know her, or their relationship.  The relationship with My mother is quite the opposite. We dont like each other very much. Maybe its because we are so much alike, or maybe its because my Mother is a very hard piece of work. She is rude and sullen and also very very funny and charming and a drug addict/alcoholic. She has had a very hard life herself, and after years of waiting for her to be my  Mother, I have let it go..
 Ironically, she called yesterday, and left a voice mail. But I dont like to hear them til the end of the day. It really can bum you out when you get a drunken voice message at 10 am from your mother.
I have learned how to "work" our relationship. I learned how to work all the relationship's I have in my nuclear family. Its the classic dysfunctional  dynamic. When the roller-coaster gets too crazy inside the four walls, you learn how to fake it and just hold on.
I learned what my Mother is capable of, and what she is not capable of. I now know that her not liking me is not personal at all...Its not my fault.  I still play the part of supportive daughter and keep my mouth shut.
But all this has brought that which is missing to light. I cant help my sister because she is in NYC and Im here in LA..I feel so helpless!!  Right now I want to call my Mother and say Im sad ..please take care of me. I know I would not get the support. I am sure she is having a lot of feelings about Joan's death herself, and my Mother puts her feelings above everyone else s.

  When I wish to be there for my Sister, I realize Im also jealous of her. I wish I had a Mom like that.
I guess Im like my Mom. My feelings are coming first right now.
  I would have liked to have known Joan. Im so very sorry Michaela.

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