Thursday, September 18, 2014

Coming out

I guess its time to get real. Get really real. Cuz its crunch time.
When you're scraping along the bottom, and you come up way short in your take out order, you can either blame the idiot behind the window, or yourself for going out for fast food in the first place..

For what has happened to my life, I cant allow the anger to consume me. A relationship is what I was seeking, Satan showed up. I have to forgive Satan.

Its been a year since I blogged....shame and denial.

 All the work and effort to build something substantial, gone in a single stroke. I had a nice apartment, a job that was getting good, and we even move to BEL AIRE to an apt with a pool!Then the cops were called. I was escorted out. Domestic violence. Holy shit on Sunday.
 I want to blame him. His anger, his alcohol, his mayhem. But I was there, and my overly active and honest brain will not allow me to play the innocent in all this. My anger, my alcohol, my mayhem had some digs in the grave as well.

 I had the chance to steer the ship away, but like the Titanic, I struck the iceberg because I had given up all my power in a vain attempt to keep bailing water out.. We had been sinking almost from the beginning
 There were two distinct  moments when I took a step and a breath away from him to see the scary clown present. To really look at what a cowardly lion he was. I had that moment, took that second before I let him back the first time we had a fight to consider what could happen. I made the wrong choice. I had no idea what ship I was on!
Now its time to expose the soft naked underbelly of myself and take account on what I DID.
The scenarios that I play over and over in head about what HE DID, what WE could have done, or where I was last year to where I am now? Doesn't matter.
What is owed me, or what I have actually lost is still coming to light. Doesn't matter.
 How I feel about myself NOW,  my circumstances now is what is at hand. That is what needs to be addressed, publicly for that matter, so I'm bringing myself OUT of the closet.
I was in an abusive relationship.  I stayed because I was afraid of being alone and broke..
He is away from me, he does not know where I am. He continues to call with promises of change and money and a happy future. He says he cant live without me, and that he may return east.

I saw his pretty face and pretty dick and thought this is for me.I saw what I wanted and I let the rest fall away. we looked good together so I was too busy dancing in the light to see the bulb needed to be changed. The faster I danced the worse it got.  I forgot who I was. Then the bulb blew.
In the dark, I can see the light.

It doesn't matter what it looks like, duh
SO I'm starting back at the beginning, to take baby steps .and...isn't it funny, I didn't even like him that much. I'm just a drama addict with a side helping spoiledbrat#self-obsessed= hot-mess.

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